After another mindless quarrel with my toxic mother over a ridiculously small matter, I decided to go for a much needed yoga session.

In the middle of the session, I began to recall my past. I am not sure if it was the positive vibes generated from my yoga session, but I wanted to give myself a much needed pat on my shoulder for growing up well and getting to where I am now in a less-desired environment.

Birth
During my first two weeks after birth, my mum used to tell me she ignored me completely because I was a girl. In Asian countries and especially with an old-fashioned mother like mine, boys are better than girls mind-set is (and still is) ingrained in her mind.

Childhood
When I reached primary school (or elementary school for western readers), I faced school bully and was ostracised by everyone.  I had school lunches on my own, and went home alone. I had no friends simply because people were afraid of getting on the wrong side of the fence with the school bully.
My sister was crap to me. I remembered my English was very poor, and once my sister destroyed my mathematics exercise books. I went to her class and she lied that she did not, and was ashamed to acknowledge me as her sister because my spoken English was bad (well, now I am replying on English as a livelihood. How ironic is that?)

The only time my mother took time to focus on me was when I failed every single subject in my third year of primary school. I had tuition but I managed to buck up after the tutor insinuated that I was stupid. I realized that I had to rely on myself and boy, did I study hard when I was only 10 years old.

When I reached Primary Six, the final year before graduating from Primary School, I was appointed as a Prefect (you are basically a school monitor). It felt great to have the experience of being a School Prefect even though for a year.

Teenhood
During secondary school, my sister scalded my thighs (it was an accident frankly speaking, but my mother did not reprimand her). Thank goodness I was young so recovery was fast and easy without a very visible scar on it. I decided to seize the opportunities to enjoy more sporty and group-based extra-curricular activities because I knew I had no money to access these activities on my own, and I wanted to feel a sense of belonging to a group.

I didn’t have a group that stuck with me through these activities but I had no regrets participating in it. I continued to survive and relied on my own to pull through bad grades and eventually graduated from Secondary School (or High School) with good enough grades to get into one of the top 5 junior colleges.

My sister, on the other hand, had bad grades but she always had a boyfriend by her side to help her study. My old-fashioned mother always think that is something to be proud of (especially she is married at 26, a decent marriageable age) because she has a guy to rely on. For my western readers, yes this might sound ridiculous to you, but it is goddamn true. In my mother’s strange distorted world, she thinks having a man is the most important in the world. Despite you managed to get everything by yourself.

Junior college was tough with a psychopathic Principal that constantly tracks everyone’s results for every single test. It was a pressure cooker environment. None of my family members knew the pressure I was going through. However, I managed to get into one of the hardest faculty in university.

I graduated within four years whereas my sister delayed by another school term. To me, every single school term means extra money so I decided to go ahead with it although I was contemplating to switch to law.

I started working illegally during school holidays at the age of 15 but my mother think she was so great in supporting me in EVERYTHING. The reality is nope, she didn’t. I had only 2 uniforms throughout Primary, Secondary and Junior College to alternate. My shoes were worn till they couldn’t anymore hence my fourth toes are both deformed slightly (they were bent to accommodate into the tight white shoes).

I worked during every single holiday after I graduated from Junior College to earn money and keep it for my expenses because my sister was constantly hounding me with that mindset. However, she didn’t have to. Ever since Primary One, I have been saving 50%, or more, of my pocket money.

Adulthood
I bought my first computer set for myself, whereas my sister had hers bought by my mother. I paid for my own driving course, enrolled into finance and Japanese courses on my own. I simply paid for everything except my university tuition fees. Yes, it cost $22,000 in total, which was a lot.  But my sister and my university tuition fees were actually paid by a lottery that my father struck. An old aunt of his came into his dream and gave him those precious numbers that really saved my sister and I from tuition debt, and my parents didn’t have to sacrifice their retirement fees (it is something similar to 401K for USA, a pension account managed by the government).

When I sprained my ankle in my 30s, and no one bothered to help me buy food, I was left almost famished at home if not for my friends who came to visit me. However, I do gain real insights from the deepest darkest moments during that day and really woke up to the fact that I should emotionally cut away from my family.  I should also be tougher, less kind and speak my mind.

Therefore, I am proud to say that although I didn’t have an excellent career as a high-flyer, nor did I get married by age 30 with children, I:

1. Did not do drugs, sell my body nor get into gangs
2. Scored well during my academic years and got into decent schools
   
3. Actually rely on English and my resourcefulness (which I trained hard during my schooling years) to be polished at interviews, presentations and kept up with the world affairs to make myself more knowledgeable.
   
4. Didn’t take more money from my parents which they worked hard for. Besides the cheaper school fees (primary to junior college) which really cost less than $500 a year, the university tuition fees were really due to the old aunt that I never knew but extremely grateful for till today
   
5. Managed to gain skills like ability to find temporary roles, or contractual roles in between jobs for my daily expenses
   
6. Learnt to appreciate boring but very practical skills like my finance course which I used to invest and also get into small hacks like stocks, fixed deposit, bonds, and also which savings account to put into
7. Was saved by my religion, which in my darkest moments, showed me the light and truth
8. Learnt the hard but very useful lesson that I should rely on myself for self-affirmation and not rely on some shit guy (like my mother always think)
9. Learnt that only money, and not a prince, that will save me. Yes, it was my own money that I managed to buy my own house (my own castle) and funded my own renovation without any loan

My attitude towards my parents
Towards my parents, my motto is: They gave me the basics to grow up to be an independent person, so similarly I will give them the basics when they grow old and sick. Attending to hospital needs, insurance etc, seeking help within the medical system, knowing where to seek medical help and getting extra pair of hands to help out are some things that I will do, similar to what I did for my late father. Likewise, I will not abandon my mum completely when I moved out.

However, I will cut off emotionally to protect myself. They had never really spent time to understand my feeling.  Hence, neither do I want to continue to invest my emotions on them. Honestly speaking, this realization 5 years back really saved my sanity.

Last thoughts - Positive Ones!
Although I did not become a high flyer (but I wish to carve something on my own business after I move out and have a more conducive environment to do so, while holding out a less stressful but still decently paid job moving forward), I did not go astray and still managed to earn and lead a decent respectable life. My belief that money and knowledge are my protection as I get older also helped to set my life straight and righteous (at least I don’t indulge in vices).

Slowly but surely, I can see that the happiness that I felt in my sunflower dream during my childhood - after leaving behind my family members -  will soon come true in reality.

Therefore I would like to pat myself on my shoulder and say to myself today: Good Job!! You have come a very very long way on your own!!

After been in the workforce for 15 years, I think COVID-19 is my 3rd crisis. I have been through SARS, Asian Financial Crisis, followed by a long period of slow growth. I always thought that I am unfortunate to met SARS, but now I can say honestly I can feel for COVID-19 graduates because the economy is said to be worse than SARS. For Asian Financial Crisis, many central banks came to help so largely it was confined to slow growth but it was not that bad. 

This time round, it is BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. 

The entire world has literally come to a halt for some countries. For mine, right now we are still under restriction, so work has literally stopped for many people. I am very thankful that I didn't get a bigger house, otherwise I will have a 25-year loan to pay. No thank you, I really don't foresee that as I think it will not be up to me to say good bye to corporate world on my own terms, but rather the world will simply have fewer jobs than before. So I might be forced into early retirement. 

Everyday the only thing that I am grateful for is 1) no house loan 2) my renovation is 90% paid 3) no utilities bills to pay till April 2021 (if I am careful in my usage and I wouldn't even be able to move in for at least another 2 months - that is another 2 months' worth of utilities' bills roll-over). 

But this cannot continue forever. I still need to pay for insurance, build my retirement nest and my savings. So I really really hope the economy will spring back to life in Q3 so that at least we will be able to survive to see 2021. 

It has been a long journey going through the renovation of my house. I only managed to collect my keys from the developer last Dec. Rushing to open the door, I thought I could start on my renovation and move out of my mum's house by Chinese New Year in February 2020. However, it turned out I need to check my house's condition before I can handover to my contractor! 
It took a month because I could only meet the developer's contractor on Saturdays. It took two rounds for me to get all the rectifications done. By then, I was very angry with my ID because I find her suggestions not great. We had a quarrel over Whatsapp but that was because I realised she kept forgetting my instructions, and kept increasing price. I decided I had enough and told her I would like to terminate. I was wondering if that would wake her up a little. 
She didn't and I decided to terminate the working relationship with her since she clearly didn't put much emphasis on my project. 
Moving onto another contractor (no ID this time round), we spent January getting quotation approved and visiting my house to have a clear understanding of the space. He made some suggestions based on the last drawings by the ID and we agreed and proceeded with the work in late February. 
However, I didn't expect the COVID-19 case would happen. Also, the contractor's schedule is getting slower and slower. A 3 weeks' work became a 1 month's work. In addition, the carpenter whom I liaised with was stuck in his country and couldn't get in before their Movement Control Order took effective. 
Sigh.. hence my renovation work was stuck at rectifications stage until the restrictions are lifted (my country also had a restricted work order). 
RENOVATIONS ARE TERRIBLE!!!!! Please share with me your woes!! 

I have been pondering about this ever since I got my own house (will only get my keys in December). Since I will be having my own space (finally!!!), I am wondering if readers would prefer me to do podcast or continue blogging? I really wonder if anyone reads blogs nowadays?
Let me know? I am keen and will have the environment to do podcast (no disturbance from my mum)

I don't ask for more at this point in my life. All I wish is that I can meet my true love next year and settle down into a peaceful harmonious relationship. Even if this relationship won't last till my last breath, I wish to experience for once true love in this life.

I have officially entered the second month of work with my new employer, and as true as my gut feel, this is another underemployed job. I have a full three weeks of waiting before I join the company. If a company can afford to wait for you for three weeks, and it is a new role, that spells a lot on the urgency of this role.

My role sits under the department called Strategic Development. Usually such fluffy-titled department means that they park all the weird, cannot be classified, neither-here-nor-there roles in one group. My department consists of a business development young chap that do everything adhoc from annual report, financial modelling, assisting with logistics of Senior Management Retreat to being an information centre to Finance, Legal and IT (well, that is an impromptu, unofficial role that I loved to dig at him to annoy him); a risk manager that oversees the internal audit and risk management role for this organization, and me.

During a lunch conversation with the young business development guy, he was telling me that he did not know what his career path here was. I agreed with him that he was doing a lot of adhoc items and his career path was not clear. After one year, he requested to change to another department for a more defined portfolio. It was rejected in an indirect way, because that department was under another head that is currently at loggerheads with my boss. Coincidentally, I ran into another friend whom we both took a finance course together two years back. She told me after leaving audit, she also found herself in a strategy role that does nothing for the whole day at a stretch. Occasionally, she worked till midnight when they were reviewing a particular acquisition. This friend is only 28 or 29.
 
A few years back (and I mentioned this on my blog as well), I once lamented having three jobs in a row with the same experience of being underemployed. Even the stint in Learning & Development department that I tried during my exploration on career switch had the same issue with underemployment (it was predominantly administrative work).  Through these two conversations, I realized underemployment is a real issue. In fact, this topic even came up in an article of our national papers. The only difference is fresh graduates are underemployed and are paid poorly for jobs that underutilised their skills, whereas I am paid at a rate that is still ok to my last drawn salary with a much smaller jobscope.

The only reason why I took up this job was because job market is bad, and I needed money for this period to pay for my renovation and my annual insurance premium. I knew this job was going to be quite lull during the interview. However, I knew I wanted to resume my exploration on a second career. Having a lull job gives me the time and energy to continue exploring on the side while continuing to receive a paycheck. In fact, I am actually writing this blog post during my working hours because I have nothing urgent for the day nor am I in the mood to do anything with 30min left before knock-off time.

Honestly speaking, my current company is very slow. I thought as my last role in my current field, I could utilize all my skills and close this career with a big bang. However, the company is also facing two factions – my boss and the other head – that my risk colleague and I believed would bring down the organization before it could even develop into a considerable player in the industry. I take this time to practise positive thinking and hope few things will take place during my stint here so I could successfully transit to my second career, without having to invest too much effort into this company and my current role. All I hope for is to spend my time freelancing during my working hours and collect my monthly pay cheque and build my savings again after my renovation is completed.

I know, I know.. if you read this title, you might be thinking: “What? You are only in your job barely a month and you are thinking of seeking a second career?”

Before you say that, I would like to say that I have wanted to leave my marketing and communications field since 2008. This was the reason  why I took CFA, Japanese to see if I can leave this entire field. Of course, it didn’t materialize until I explored Learning & Development last year with an EPC company. That stint taught me that even if I do not want a stressful job like my current field, I am not willing to accept an administrative role.

My second career needs to be something that is more meaningful, and be able to start and build something. But I am also aware that I want to specialize in something, or at least be known for a certain expertise and the salary must be sustainable.

I accepted my current job because it was the only role offered to me, and I needed the money. The company is definitely less crazy than my previous company but it presented its own set of challenges. However, I gave up trying to harp on this point because all companies/organisations have their own set of challenges. As long as I am a salaried worker in a company that is profit-driven, I  will just do my best since I am paid to do so, and not seek major changes or complained that it should have an overhaul. It doesn’t work when you don’t have any powerful connections, nor are you rich.

Since my current company is in town, I decided to earn money pay my bills and take this time to attend nearby networking events and try to spend this time exploring and writing to a few organisations to explore my second career. Even if my career has come to a stall, it is alright with me since I have no more passion to pursue any more further advancement (well there aren’t any in the first place) in my field.

One area I am very keen to go in is social sector. Of course, I have wondered about social work again but I really don’t wish to enter the community sector field, where pay is low and the work nature is not something I am keen. Divorces, youth issues, domestic violence etc, these doesn’t relate to me as a single so I cannot stand in their position and see from a parent/spouse’s perspective. Medical field seems to be closed so I am a little stuck.

As I look further, I decided to check out sustainability and ESG reporting. However, I soon realized ESG is more for finance/ex bankers, while sustainability.. nah I don’t really want to spend my time checking on water usage, energy usage, staff’s learning hours etc for profit organisations. And I really hate using CSR as a promotional tool. That is disgusting because you are doing good for the sake of making yourself look good.

I know this is a long journey so I rather continue to earn while exploring. All I know for sure is this is my last communications role, and I want to leave my current job and walk into a new job that is totally different and what I want to spend for my last decade of working life before I retire.  

It is going to be 5 months exactly by the time I start in my new job since I tendered my resignation at the middle east company in February. During the first month, I was suddenly busy with my father’s funeral (he passed away 1 day after I left my former company). The first month passed with me busy with the 4-day funeral, followed by 1 week or so of recuperating from lack of sleep during those nights.

Shortly thereafter, I was busy with paperwork on the transfer of ownership of my parents’ house to my mum, pension-related matters and closure of bank accounts.  The first month went well, with me staying at home, but neighbours thought I was simply taking a longer break.

We took a 4-day short trip to neighbouring country to relax, as promised to my mum during the days when we were shuttling between home and hospital visits. Soon, 1 month turned into 2 months. The second month I was still taking my time in terms of job applications. I was still choosing what job I want, the salary package, the type of work, and where the company was based in. I was even applying to overseas roles as I was very keen to work in China. Naturally, I applied to a few Chinese-based roles with MNCs (Chinese-owned companies are terrible).
When it comes to my third month of unemployment, there was a sudden dip in jobs that I can apply. It was the dreaded “dry” season. I thought March and April were the hot hiring season, and by May I would have completed many rounds of interviews. In actual fact, I only went for 1 interview in April, 2 interviews (one was a specialist role) in May, and 2 interviews (and one was a totally new role from my current career) in June, followed by second-round in early July and a job offer the next day.

I faced many rejection emails which I was used to it, and saw many roles that was advertised at the beginning of the year (or since last December), before it closed and re-opened again. I am guessing there is a possibility that these companies have internal candidates in mind, but they are foreigners, and when they cannot obtain the work permit to work here, these companies re-open the positions for locals.

I remembered the anxiety that arose in May and caused me insomnia every night, and I came up with a daily routine to help alleviate my anxiety. Every morning that I will wake up and sit in front of the computer to job hunt for 1 to 2 hours. Thereafter, I will force myself to complete some tasks. Be it reading, working on an errand or writing a blog, I will make sure to maintain a sense of “productivity”. I also regularly meet up with a counselor to keep my mood positive, which I think it helps during interviews.

Hence, I would like to share some points that I have utilized to retain my sanity and maintain positivity:

1. Set up a schedule for each day. Set aside some time for job hunting. Once that is done within the allocated period of time, stop. Move on to other things.
2. Think about all the things that you want to do and DO IT. Do not procrastinate. For example, during this period, I know I have a house to renovate, a holiday to plan and to update my blog with new entries. So I set off to recce for furniture, research on décor themes for my house, sat down and research on various attractions to visit and the route to take for my holiday (I do not know if I can make it but I will try), and to jot down 2 entries about my holidays and experiences for the past few months.
3. Seek a counselor or a friend to talk to. Through online methods, I found a mental wellness workshop to attend for free last year. From there, I learnt tips to keep depression at bay and maintain positivity. I also jotted down free resources available. One of the free resources I got was a newly-formed counseling group for women and depression-related problems. I got into contact with the association and waited. After 2 months, they got back to me, and I got in contact with a counselor. When I was employed, she helped me when I was having a lot of frustration at work and home. Thereafter, she provided me with an outlet during my unemployment to express my frustration.
4. Engage in free or low cost entertainment. I will travel to my neighbouring country which is three times cheaper for simple pleasures like watching movies, having a meal. Of course, you need to be able to travel on your own (since most of your friends are working). Otherwise, I will sometimes dedicate 2 days out of a week to leave the house and go out. I will condense all my activities and errands in one day to maintain that sense of productivity, and to keep my mind off job hunting. It also helps me to work off the excess stress and tire my body for a better night’s sleep.
5. Take on short temping assignments. Because I have been unemployed for short stints a couple of times, I have gradually built up some (very small fee) assignments that are flexible in timing. I generally avoid longer term temping assignments because in my country, they are usually outsourced to recruitment agencies for manpower handling and salary payment. However, there is often a commitment period, or else, you need to pay a penalty fee. I do not like to lose the flexibility to go for interviews as and when companies call, hence I generally stick to events role (1 –day event helper). They are also generally quite interesting and in industries that I will never ever be exposed to in my day job.

 
For example, I worked on events witnessing hundreds of couples celebrating their 50th or more wedding anniversaries, and participated in a 3-day navy trade exhibition and saw how negotiations were done between militaries/government defence-related agencies and state-owned companies on requirements of military shipbuilding and costs. It was an eye-opener for me, besides getting paid for it. I love government/commercial exhibitions that are not open to public because the delegates and visitors are matured and not pesky like the general public.
 
I hope this helps to encourage those who are still job-hunting to continue to push on. Sometimes, hope is just around the corner when it seems the darkest and bleakest. But please always have faith that when you are at your bottom, the only way is to go up.

Be it single and married, I am fully aware at a very ripe age of 38 that there are both pros and cons. Married people have companionship, either from spouse and kids, or either one (well, I just learnt another story from an old friend that her husband and her lived totally separate lives at home).

I am not going to lie. With the abundance of freedom at hand, I do feel lonely at times.

Very.

That sense of deep down sadness, loneliness does grab you tightly. It does.

This afternoon, while doing yoga at home, I actually could feel the loneliness resurfacing again. Towards the end of the yoga session, I teared.

Because I always locked myself in my bedroom and do yoga based on an online course, I have the space to weep quietly in that moment.

It was a very hot and sunny day. As I laid down in my savasana pose, I could see white clouds gathering and dry thunder sounds in a distance. From the bottom of my heart, I instinctively put my palms together, closed my eyes and sent a very sincere prayer to Buddha. After ending the practice, I gave three bows.

For the past 37 years, I always place career above everything else in my prayers.  I do feel lonely at times when I see couples together, but I never really pray sincerely for someone to appear in my life.

Today, I finally did with all my heart.

Because today, I really wish that for the next 30 years (assuming I lived till 70 years old and 4 years have passed beyond 35year mark) I will have someone beside me, holding my hands, for me to hug when I feel sad, and travel the world together.

I yearn for someone to live with me in my own small house. Whenever I open the door, I can see someone at home, or at least waiting for someone to come home if I am earlier. To cook and have meals together, to have a meaningful or engaging or relaxing conversation depending on mood of the day, to have someone to say good morning and good night on a daily basis.

I yearn to be able to hug someone when I have a bad day at home. Even as I try not to spread my negativity to him, at least I can hug him and feel better without mentioning a single word about work.

I yearn for someone to care about me, to text me if I want lunch, or to go home together (we don’t need to have a car – a bus or train ride together is fine with me).

I yearn for someone to go travel with, for me to share my travel experiences with him, as we explore places together, meet different and new people together.

Today, I do not know why, but I feel extremely lonely. 

Ever since my father passed away, I started working on getting back into the workforce for the past 3 months. The momentum of job application grew stronger as the days turn into weeks, and weeks into months.  I am craving to get back into the workforce on a permanent basis, and get cracking on churning out good projects to enhance my portfolio.
​
One of the interviews that I got called for was with a government agency tasked to promote design in my country. I was excited because I felt strongly for the cause itself, especially since I am a freelancer at the moment and I could feel the pains of delivering creative works to painful clients.

However, after so many bad experiences with government officers, especially bitchy ones that loved to congregate within my field, I have learnt not to pin high hopes. The interview session comprised two parts: a 1-hour writing test and a panel interview with the hiring manager (I shall call her The Bitch) and the HR officer (I shall call her the Nice One).

The moment The Bitch waltzed into the office with her gaudy dressing – yes it was gaudy and looked like bedsheet – I knew the vibe was wrong. I caught a glimpse of a Caucasian husband/partner with her as her phone wallpaper and I knew I up against a Sarong Party Girl (Asian girl who loved to hang out with white men. In their eyes, only white men are the best accessories worthy to own) once again. I groaned inside my heart that this was a wasted interview but I had to complete it.
This lady looked at my resume and wanted me to introduce myself. Halfway through the interview, she questioned my knowledge about the agency. As a person with only private sector working experience, I gave her what I learnt about the organisation from the website and other background research. Although yes there was a typo error in my resume (which I rectified very quickly but alas this application was prior to my discovery of the mistake), I felt that she was being biased in checking my knowledge on the details of each department. If someone has not been exposed to that organization, it is common sensical and obviously biased to fault that interviewee on the lack of knowledge of the specific roles of each department. She also pointed out that I have little knowledge about the organization. The Nice One was quiet and was frequently asked if she has any questions.

Thankfully, somehow I managed to pry the information from her on the specific portfolio that this role entailed. The successful candidate (but rather unlucky, in my opinion) would need to publicise a series of education-related programmes, including scholarships. My heart sank.

WHAT KIND OF A RUBBISH PORTFOLIO IS THIS?

The agency prides itself on promoting design on a country level, yet it has done a shoddish job after 16 years.  Since its establishment, we are still not able to have a national identity, the level of design awareness and adoption is still ridiculously low.

The content on the website, blueprint and the releases says a lot and says nothing. There are plenty of words, conceptual words, that I have seen and called it “bullshitting” in my mind. In communications, yes the language is important, but communications is no longer deemed so important in marketing. Public relations professionals are now used to write executive communications (AKA write for the senior management) and for the employees (AKA write for HR on every single damn initiative that they wants to push). After leaving the building, I wrote an email to inform the recruiter that I was no longer pursuing this job (and of course I gave a diplomatic reason). 

I am so sick of communications as a professional career. When I first started this blog, I wanted to show the world that I could write. I really prized writing as a genuine gift. Don’t get me wrong, writing is still very important in today’s world, but like what one interviewer mentioned during interview, media relations/public relations does not generate results that impact the bottom line.

Communications has now been relegated to a support function, abused by many who simply get you to do their work because they can conveniently say: “My writing is not as good as yours.” Or “You are an expert in writing.”
Does that mean I have to write every single bloody notice on the employee notice board? Or write an email for you?

NO WAY!

I was grateful for this interview because the hiring manager revealed the bitchiness right from the start, told me the most pertinent information that made me lose my interest in the job right away, and prevented me from hoping for this role which would turn out to be another GREAT BIG DISAPPOINTMENT in the future.
So yeah lady, thanks for saving me from accepting a potential disaster, which I really do not need it right now.

If lady luck can stay with me this time round, hopefully I can make the switch back to marketing and learnt all the latest valuable skillsets that I need to prolong my career life!