Besides nailing a job, trying to get my own housing and to repair a friendship that I think is worth salvaging, I am now deciding to clear my life compartment “Friends”  at this point of time.

Friendship is a weird thing and I have spent some time trying to figure out the dynamics. Today, I decided that it is very high time I should face the reality. I do not have close friends. Throughout my school years, I did not forge strong friendships. They all died down after some time. But my fear of admitting that I have no close friends makes me a loser and wants to hang on to someone. When someone disappoints me, I took it very hard.

This is a very silly side of me. I have come to accept the fact that everyone’s priority list is different, and I am just not one of the top priorities for some people.  Their families, children and in-laws are top of their priorities, and I am not one of those. That is okay.

Googling gives me the much needed awareness that I am not the only one with this problem.  There are many people who are in the same spot as me. However much I wish to hang on to “friends”, if when I am in trouble and none can help it is useless for me to hang on to them as well.  My love language is acts of service. So if no one can provide that act of service, I should leave them behind and move on, even if I am alone. I think that lesson is important.

Ever since I returned to my home country and lead my new life, I realised by putting myself as first, it was a good litmus test to test the people around me. Although it is sad to accept this fact, but I think it is better to accept now and move on rather than drag it on.  An ex-colleague turned out to be quite toxic for me and I really need to leave her behind as well.

I was studying with a new ex-classmate today (we met each other from a master programme that I have pulled out) and something hit me. Sometimes one needs to go with the flow in life. Now at this time, she is the right person to go through this period of time with me. I am studying for CFA, she is studying for Masters of Applied Finance. We can talk and she is a refreshing person to me at this point. Why keep on harping on the past friends that have already become acquaintances?

It is not that I am obsessed with my new found religion but the revelation of impermanence of things and life in Buddhism really applies in this small episode. If I just go with the flow in my life, this person is currently the best person to be with me till end next year, when she finishes her studies. We share the same goal right now despite on different courses.

I should also face up the fact that new people invigorate me, but not existing friends (maybe that is why I am so sucky at keeping them? Haha, I am not sure of that myself). If that is the case, I think it is all the more important that I continue to expose myself to new places and groups.  

I do have one secret wish though and I hope to find a good companion soon. This is the only piece in my life that is still incomplete. Despite the fact that men can come and go, I do hope to have someone beside me for the rest of my life till I myself depart this world.  
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Anyway, I am starting to change my perception of friendship and decided not to hold onto it too tightly. Instead, I decided I shall embrace whatever may come into my life by then.  I know I can do that and that is one gift that I am glad that I am blessed with – my ability to mingle with new people quickly.

In life, sometimes things are not what it seems on the surface. For instance, during the first three months in my new job, I was feeling very upset and edgy because I felt very ostracised. Because my predecessor was placed on sabbatical leave instead of resigning from the company completely, I felt that people might think I am a contractor doing her job while she is on holidays. 
I was also upset when people saw me walking in the corridor and turned away or flip newspapers. They also like to go together in lunch groups, so when I had no lunch khakis (referring to lunch mates, a local slang used in my country), I felt left out. 
However, I soon saw the reality, and began not to mind. It started after I poured out my grievances to my HR colleague via sms. I told her I will change my attitude and not be bothered with what people's reaction towards me. I felt that it is their issue. If I hadn't even talked to them much and they dislike me, it is something not due to me but their own mentality. I cannot change their mentality but I can control how I feel towards these reactions. 
And interestingly, right after I was confirmed, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt I can continue my path of figuring a way to move department and that was my main motivation everyday. At the same time, like peeling onions layer by layer, I began to see some of the not-so-nice realities of the beautiful bubbles that I was first affected by:
1) People ignoring you
These people happen to be ones that love gossip. To get entangled with them means more trouble. If not handle with care, you will either end up being the topic of the gossip or they will try to ask you for help at work. In other words, be in my "in" group and in exchange, help me with my work. Crazy. Of course not worth it. Interestingly, there is one senior guy who pretend he was busy and flipped newspapers when he saw me was actually boasting that he got offers from other companies to hire him. Well, then resign. If other companies are scouting for you and offer you better packages, why not leave? The only thing I can foresee is these companies do not place much value or are often unwilling to invest in his field. So he will have a tougher time trying to convince them to raise their standards. Tougher work for higher pay - that is natural. But of course we just listen and smile. 
2) Not being in lunch groups 
This week most of the days I am lunching with my executive and others and we went cheaper places to eat. If I always go with the team and their gang for lunch, each meal can costs $15 and sometimes up to $30 a meal. They celebrate every single person's birthday. Sorry, please excuse me. I rather you not celebrate my birthday and I don't celebrate yours as well. I came to earn a living and save money. NOT to spend it on lavish lunches which are meaningless. 
3) People who are on surface very nice with everyone
Another source of gossip. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. GET AWAY FROM ME TEN YARDS OR MORE. I do not want to attract attention to myself.  Be low profile, do my job and be safe. The higher your profile is, the more jealousy you attract. This company has miserable bonus and I have no increment. FOR WHAT? If no money, sorry I am not motivated to get involved in all these non-productive stuff. The office lady told me all these people who come to you are actually waiting for an opportunity to ask you for help. There was one lady that I wanted to get into her books. But very quickly I realised each time she talked to me, it was due to work. I decided to divert her to my colleague as far as possible. THE BEST. So I siam (another local lingo, meaning avoid) her if possible. I will still ask her if she is not feeling well, but one sentence is enough. No more no less. I felt she is very self-centric and it is always about her, her, her. 
4) They spend a lot of time OUTSIDE of working hours to bond 
Another unbelievable thing about this company is they dedicate a day for employees to have fun offsite on a weekend. YES, WEEKEND. Why weekend? Please, I rather spend my weekends doing my own thing. I like to compartmentalise my personal and work life. At work, I strive to complete all my projects satisfactorily as far as possible. But I do not want to talk about my personal life. FOR WHAT? They will spend dinners or friday evenings having karaoke. Erm, sorry. Time and money better invested elsewhere. 
Hence, after three months, I learnt that once again, the golden rule of not believing in everything you see as what it is holds true. Often, make sure you peel layer by layer of a situation and you may be surprised at what lies beneath it. 

​In my country, or perhaps the entire Asian society, people frown upon you when you decided to quit a programme. They think you are a quitter. But so many famous entreprenuers are quitters too. I think it is a wrong concept. Rather, I believe these entrepreneurs think their time is better spent elsewhere.
Likewise, when I first took the Master of Applied Finance, the first module was Principles of Corporate Finance. The admission person was telling me how important it was, but it turned out how lousy the lecturer was. Not only were the materials already covered in my self-study certification programme, the intensive lectures were not useful. Without going through the materials, I have no idea where I do not know and utilise the time when the lecturer was around to ask questions. The lecturer was also busy talking crap rather than teaching the main topics. Although it was only particular lecturer, but I discovered that within such a tight timetable during term time, you are basically just skimming through the notes as much as possible.
If the cost difference is not $25k I would not mind, but with that huge difference between my self-study (plus workshop programme that I am going to sign up), I deserve better. Or rather, I can invest my money elsewhere better.
A friend pointed out to me – any Master programme is just basically self-study and discussion among your classmates. The lecturer basically takes a hands-off role. With one module I got a taste of how master programme is run and I swear off any master programme unless it is fully funded by the employer.
Now I enjoy my own time and target. I can fully utilise my weekends to study and adjusting my own pace (rushing if I feel I am lacking behind). I would rather mark up the questions and wait till the course starts next January before I ask the lecturer and my new classmates.
 

Initially I was wondering if I should place a picture of colon for this post. But it really looks gross. So I decided not to and use a more metaphorical picture to represent this post.
I went for a colonoscopy and gastroscopy last Friday. The main objective was I wanted to do this check-up which has been overdue for a year already. But without a job that I think I can stay long enough to get it done and have the claims processed, I put this off. Naturally in this new job, I have planned to get this done once I passed my probation (technically I am 4 months old when I have this done).
It was fortunate that I had the scope because they found two polyps in my colon. Small in size but best to get rid of these nasty bumps since they are pre-cancerous.  Although there are little evidence to back up this rationale, but my gut feelings was my depression last year may have cause some mutation in my genes.
Slowly I am planning how to utilise my benefits in this company before they take it away. I am now planning for two more vaccinations which I believe will comfortably use up my wellbeing benefits. When the economy is bad, I would say it is best to utilise all the benefits you enjoy now. One never knows when the axe is going to drop or a nasty direction that the company is heading towards. 

I am not sure if I am being paranoid, or just the usual things that my mum says that really rubs me the wrong way. But I could feel my depression is coming back. I do not know if you have sometimes really murderous thoughts when actually it is a very small issue (my rational character tells me, thank god).
For instance, if someone bumped into me in the train, or a kid stepped on my toes (I do not know why kids like to step on other people’s toes), or even people just trying to push their luck by trying to get into my space in the train (yes, there are people who think I am good and easy to bully because I look like I am harmless and doesn’t bite, but in my mind you are already tied up and whipped to death).
Needless to say, I do recognise these facts and am trying to curb myself, this time with more self-awareness. I still feel the lack of space to think back home and am trying to declutter my life by just focusing on work, exercise (I am obscenely obese and have decided I REALLY need to lose weight this year) and study. If my mum says stupid things again, I can safely scoot off to a study room nearby to study (I am doing that now since I have embarked on my finance course – but I have quit my Master of Applied Finance and resumed back my self-study certification programme).
For now, I am more than ever certain that a one-day meditation is necessary, and I need to go for a retreat once a year to relieve my pressure of being a 35-year-old female singleton in an Asian society where they do look down on you like you are some kind of parasite. Perhaps the stress of trying to get my own house and coping with a boring silly day job are also getting to me. I have ballot thrice already and with each house balloting I am praying hard that this time round I am finally going to be lucky this time round to get my own flat, even if it is a small 1-bedder apartment. I crave for my own roof over my head because it means I will no longer need to depend on anyone else.
My day job is boring, tedious and serves as a good motivation for me to continue my self-study (which was the main reason why I decided to study now, so that both help to motivate me – at work for bills and house, and study – for that one small chance to finally escape marketing and communications field for good).
Phew! That is a long list of things that I have been rambling about. Maybe that is the reason why my depression is coming back. I need to simplify my thoughts again. 
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Today my mum tested my patience again. Ever since I started taking my Masters in Applied Finance, I knew what I was going into and hence I have been burning many hours over weekend to do my homework, which is graded. 

It is not the first time that this ever happens, but YES my mum will always think her stuff demands IMMEDIATE response. I was on the phone to resolve some issues with telecom operator. She suddenly went raving mad again in the background. I think she is mad and irrational and so I decided it is not even worth me to waste my energy and brain cells (actually I have no brain cells left to be thinking about her issue). I am glad that my masters is taking the focus of my life for the next two years. 

And I do not give in to whims that you are going to die and children should throw everything aside to attend to what will happen after you pass away. In the first place, it really turns people off. From a small issue of not able to attend to her immediately, it spirals into something again like unfilial children. I have given up hope that she will ever come around that she is just being a toxic mother trying to play the emotional blackmail card. And if ever she passes away, it is the sutra chanting etc that really will help her, not the ritual that we have it on this earth. (sorry this is for people who are buddhists, non-buddhists will have their own bible, koran etc during funerals and thereafter.)

Apologies to my readers if this does not sound coherent, but I have decided to apply my religious teaching to this situation and it does help. 

1) If someone is being unreasonable, just ignore. Build a wall to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. 
I was fortunate she left the house for another appointment. I got some breathing space to recollect myself. And I did help her do the household chores while she was out. So?? I think offering practical help is more realistic than doing those useless ritual (like helping her settle her columbarium issues)

2) Try to focus on the happy thoughts and long term solution (if you have)
I am now in the midst of applying flat. This thought makes me happy. I also know that it doesn't seem to make sense that I am studying finance instead of going out to get a husband. But I am rational. Between something that I can get it if i put in the effort and something that all depends on luck and heartaches if you meet the lousy guys, I prefer the former. OF COURSE. Anyone with a brain will choose that. 

3) Recognise that sometimes unreasonable and irrational people will NEVER be able to understand you. 
Yes, it is just a matter of me putting down the phone once settled and come to me to tell me what to do to send a Whatsapp message. No need to get all rattled up. I cannot listen to two things at the same time. So don't be unreasonable. It is crazy. Mad.  But I know that she is unreasonable. So I don't bother with her anymore.

After reading so much online, the best advice given is always to ignore. My studies is taking up a huge chuck of my time and on weekends I do spend at least one saturday in school to stay away from her. So I am glad. I have my sanity. And I know once I get a flat, this peace and serenity will be mine forever. 

And readers, do you know - today I have done my tax filing, pay all my bills, clean the house and continuing to do my 1001 homework all in one day? I call that efficiency and productivity, and I deserve a big pat today on my shoulders. This is self-affirmation. :) 

I have taken a photoshop class using the training budget of my new company. It was good as it make me understand the basic functions of Photoshop. I am still wondering how to make my drawings digitised and edited using Photoshop but I think I am starting to get some idea now. I am glad that I am finally able to use the Wacom tablet and pen that I have bought for over 2 years now! 

I know that this sounds insignificant, but after posting a few postings on my #letterofpositivity on twitter and facebook of relevant groups online, I have received two emails! The idea of sending them a physical letter did not work that well, but I can understand perfectly that people do not want to reveal their home addresses to complete strangers online. But hey, emails work fine for me and I did it (after waiting for a good number of days for them to respond). 

I hope there will be more responses coming in... 

Facing a brand new environment is tiring. Having to re-learn everything again takes both time and effort. During my younger days, it was exciting to be in a new environment. However, it is not really now as I get older.

However, communications people are always fond of gossip. I do not know why, but I always wonder if they could stop talking and focus more on work it would be better. It is very annoying and it is one of the main reasons why I am dying to leave this field. The bitchiness of this environment sickens me in general. But my new company seems much better in this field.

I decided to sign up for Master of Applied Finance this year. It will take a dent in my savings but since I cannot expect to switch to investment in this company immediately, I might as well not waste time and concentrate on learning a new skillset discreetly.  The thought and process of studying will allow me to NOT focus so much on my current jobscope (since my focus will be quietly on my masters course) and I am enjoying a full month’s of leave (actually more). That means it is easier for me to take leave on Fridays to prepare for my exams.  I have also casually asked if there will be work on weekends. Nope.

Love it.
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Praying very hard they won’t activate me for Friday stupid dinners. It is very annoying. I am trying to escape as much as possible. 

After returning from Scotland, days start to return to the usual. The sharp bickering and constant arguments are back and it is super annoying that you know you are right and your parents are wrong, yet they expect you to not shout at them (when you are just saying things louder so that you can get your message across to them).

This sucks.

It hurts STILL sometimes at this point knowing that you cannot talk much to your parents because it will spiral down to bad arguments eventually. But I have come to accept that as long as my parents refused to change, there is nothing much I can do on my end anyway.

I just tell myself this serves as my motivation to constantly try to apply for every single round of public housing exercise by the government. This year, 2016, will be the year when I finally get my own place. And I will work as long as the job and the boss is not overbearing to save enough to pay once and for all.

I was actually feeling hurt but I remembered from the “Purpose of Life” book written by Ven. Dr K Sri  Dhammananda that the purpose of our lives on earth is to do some good. The purpose of our lives is to render service to others.

So, suddenly an idea came to my mind:  I have always wanted to do something for others anonymously. However (it sounds very strange to pen this down) but charities always like to do events that surround fundraising, exhibitions etc. The activities that really can help others are far and few. Even international charities such as Red Cross and World Vision are either looking for donations or volunteers who can attend such events as a first aider. I have been looking and reaching out to so many charities over the past two years but no one came back to me except asking for monetary donations.

Do not get me wrong. These are good activities for the communities. But I do sincerely wish that I could do something really useful to help those who really need help within my abilities. I do not have that much money nor time to go on mission trips to help the poor (because I am saving for my own roof and now a master degree to explore a career switch within my new company), but I can provide emotional help.

I can write letters of encouragement, or simply just a letter to share with someone who feels lonely and thinks that no one cares about him. I understand how that feels. Sometimes just a letter can help at the moment when one might really make the wrong move and turn to suicide. I know that and have been there before.  This is something that I can do, i.e. to offer emotional support from a distance.
Hence I hope if you are reading this blog, please tell me whom you wish me to write a letter to anyone, or even yourself, just to lend some positive support. All I need is a little background information of the recipient of the letter and the mailing address.

Mental illness and emotional hurt erode us much faster than anything illness constantly, yet all it receives from the society are mockery and disdain, that we should grow up and handle our emotions properly. This is wrong.

I shall stop sitting here or relying on waiting for others to create a project for me to help. I shall create my own project to help a cause that is close to my heart.  I shall name this campaign #letterofpositivity.
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Please support me.