I started subscribing to news feed and other inspirational/motivational feeds and unfollow most of my friends’ daily posting on their children and gatherings ( I am experiencing social media fatigue).  There is a particular Taiwanese feed that is my current favourite as some of the quotes they post really speak to me at the right time.

This post came to my feed when I had an earlier conversation with my friend about singlehood and marriage on that very evening. We shared the same outlook that unless you meet the right one (not in terms of looks and wealth, but more on personality and character) the marriage might be a burden and a source of depression, stress and sadness in your life. There are many unhappy marriages around us, be it friends or colleagues, and we wondered if marriage is really the path to happiness (of course, we are glad that there are happy blissful marriages as well :) ). 

For my readers who are non-chinese, this passage basically says:  the writer said many people asked her if the reason behind her singlehood for a long time was due to high expectations. She replied no.  She met guys who expressed their interest in her but she does not think they are genuinely interested in her. They just pay lip service to her. For example, they expressed their concern on her but when she faced difficulties, no one step out to really lend her a hand at that moment. When she fell sick, they only told her to drink more water and rest more. When it was pouring cats and dogs at night, they just told her to be careful on the way back. So she reasoned that she is simply very clear that the guys in her life do not place a lot of emphasis on her; or they may like her, but it does not hinder them liking others as well.  The only regret she has in this life is she has never experienced a relationship with the other party having absolute devotion on her. It is simply a feeling that he happens to need someone, and she happens to be there.

When I came across this passage, I felt this passage summarises the reason behind my singlehood. When I was 17-18, I had classmates who liked me. But they never wooed me. Never.  When we met each other after graduation, they just avoided me.  10 over guys ( i think they had a gathering among themselves). One did pick up courage to ask me out but I declined because I really don’t see we can communicate deeply during our contact in school.  10 years later, we had a class reunion gathering. He brought a girlfriend who is as introverted as him. Another guy who liked me was soon also married with 2 children now (he did not woo me at all when we graduated. I might consider him actually). So, to me, I gathered that they may like me but it is not deep at all. They can easily find another girl to replace and be their wives.

Coming to 37 in 3 months’ time, I already knew I have past my prime and it is not possible to get married in this life. But I am now coming to terms with my singlehood in a peaceful manner and have made a resolution that my planning for the future will be based on my current status. I will save money for my retirement since I have gotten a house of my own (yes I am still rejoicing and grateful over that every single day), start researching slowly on overseas retirement schemes so that I can live a comfortable life in my golden years at a lower cost and checking out areas that provide medical facilities when I need assistance during my silver years. I also decided to re-start making more friends as social circle is important for mental and emotional health.
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I have also decided not to waste time messing up my mind nor feelings (the awful up and down emotion, the sense of disappointment, lost and envy when you see other couples together) on searching for Mr Right. Instead, I try to prolong my health (simply because I only have myself to rely on when I am old) so that I am still in decent health when I retire and able to travel to other countries at a leisure pace. I also plan to spend more and more time on my religion so that I can cultivate a sense of purpose, direction and peace in my life. 

My current rationale is this: if I have only 60 years in this lifetime, that means I have 23 more years to go. I hope to live as happy and peaceful every single day as I can in these 23 remaining years. Don't you agree? 

If you had read my past post, you would realise that my current wonderful days of doing nothing have a blemish: my mother.  If she is not around, I would enjoy my days now more freely. Perhaps that is why now whenever I have some goodies, I keep to myself rather than sharing with her. I don’t think it is worth it.

Every time she starts ranting early in the morning (and trust me, on a daily basis), it is really tiring. I went to google and saw an article that echo my exact current problem.  I can only say they are DARN right. My mother falls under the category due to abusive childhood and the best solution is to engage a 3rd party to take care of her. Since my sister has volunteered to take care of her next time, frankly I have no worries. I just need to get out of this house in 1 to 2 years’ time and start to recuperate my mental and emotional health. The next 20 years will be a quiet one. :)

Hope to share these 2 links with any readers who are also facing the same issue. You are not alone, at least that was how I felt  when I saw so many readers posting in their stories on the same exact issue. 

After wrapping up my last horrible job, I took the next 3 weeks to focus on studying and preparing for my financial exams. It was a horrible period – everyday you force yourself to do one paper after another, carrying a big and heavy laptop with you wherever you go. On the day of my exam, I realised I suffered from lower back pain. Bearing with the pain, I finished the 6 hour paper (yes, it was a 3-hr morning paper, followed by a 3-hr afternoon paper in one day).

Not to say that very night when I went home, all my toxic and useless paternal –side relatives came to my house to discuss a meaningless topic on the eventual caregiving of my grandmother (it is another toxic story which I don’t even want to waste my brain cells writing about it). I only stood up to give my comments was when they wanted my mother to take care. Not that I really care about my mother’s health but as long as I am still staying in this house,  I got to face a depressive chronic complainer aka my mother and a father who already has stoma bag and still refused to give up smoking (yes, imagine that he can still puff away with a stoma bag to remind him he is a cancer patient). I cannot imagine having to bear with another old grandmother that I have no feelings for.

YES, absolutely NO feelings except for the yearly obligatory less-than-one-hour visit. The only feeling that I had was the extreme relief that this shit discussion happened AFTER my exam. And the next day, I had the day to pack my luggage before flying to China and Korea for a 2-week holidays. Nursing a backache throughout the trip, I travelled to Shanghai, Hangzhou, Beijing, Xi’an followed by my last stop Seoul in South Korea.  Readers might find this a punishing travel itinerary, but it is rare and hard for me to take such long leave (I accumulated all my leave for cash encashment from my last horrible job, except a 2-weeks leave in December 2016 to catch up on my studies and a much-needed 4-day retreat in Chiangmai).  I also wanted to take advantage of the multi-trip ticket air fare to visit these 2 countries, yet coming back in time to start my job hunt again.

Upon returning home after holidays, I am currently enjoying the best days so far. I literally wake up everyday at my own pace, do whatever I want and rest. I don’t even force myself at all, except for daily job hunting, resume-sending and going for interviews (plus preparation work). The past 1 year juggling my work, my studies, my father’s multiple medical appointments etc really made me cherish my free time now. I don’t even want to take on full time temporary role, knowing once I return to the workforce the daily grunt is going to come back.  The feeling of NOT DOING anything is really good and extremely, tremendously good for my mental well-being.

I came across an article in the daily newspapers about a columnist who also penned an article on the benefits of doing nothing. That article came in timely. It echoed exactly what I felt, although she is much richer to be able to travel to Europe to do NOTHING. I cannot afford that kind of luxury.

For someone who had been through the lowest trough in their life recently, this is a much-needed period for me. The only downside is I am still staying with my mother. My own house is going to be ready in 1.5 years’ time or longer, so I have to wait. In my country, we can apply for public housing but we got to wait as the government-subsidised public housing are built-to-order, i.e you apply and pay a deposit with your savings with the government (similar to 401k savings or other pensions in other countries). I waited till my pension is able to meet the full amount required for my flat before informing my last day of service in my previous horrible job, so now I do not have the pressure of getting any job quickly for my flat.  But you can opt for resale housing, which means you go to the open market to buy any flat of any size at a higher price with a shorter lease. Initially I was wondering why my mother was so enthusiastic and I figured she really wanted me to leave the house. Only after applying for my subsidised flat, I realised she wanted me to keep a room for her to sleep.

What a joke! Usually people rent out their spare room for rental to help pay for their house. If my mother come over to stay with me, what is the difference? I got to stay with her, got to bear a mortgage loan and cannot rent out my room for rental.  At that point, I felt that my family members really don’t think for my benefits. Thank goodness I already made my point very clearly I want to stay on my own. Since my mother has her own big house, it is not as if she has nowhere to go.  She got to deal with her husband herself, that is a problem she shouldn’t expect her children to help save her. She now requests me to buy a double bed so that occasionally she can go over to sleep. But I won’t give her my house keys. Frankly, because I stay so far away from her, I believe she cannot come over that frequently to visit me too.
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This is the only downside of me staying at home – having to face her more which irritates me, but everyday I tell myself once I have my own house I will have peace at home. I cannot wait for that day to come. 

Today, I nearly met an accident. While preparing to cross the road, I suddenly slipped and fell. My right leg was bent inwards and I grazed my foot. I was very thankful for many factors that I was able to sit down in front of my laptop, typing out this story:

1. I practise yoga and so my hip and leg, especially my knees, are somewhat reasonably flexible.
2. I did not sprain my right ankle! Hurrayyyy!!! I do not want two sprained ankles!!! Thank Buddha and all gods for that. I am very grateful.
3. The traffic light was red and cars stopped.
4. When I fell, I was right at the edge of the pedestrian pavement.

​It happened so fast that I was caught off guard (well, I guess it is called an accident for a very good reason) and the strange thing was I was not playing with my phone while it happened, and I wore good trekking sandals even though it was raining and the floors were wet. Previously, I sprained my left ankle and I was wearing flats and missed a step on a -5-step staircase. It was really a freak accident.

On my way home, I was pondering if I should tell my toxic mother. I was mentally prepared that she would be nonchalant about it. I was spot on. As usual, my self-centered mother would share about her own experiences about bicycles. Well, the bicycle will hit your body if you are on a bicycle but I was down on my knees, which means the car will knock and smash my head completely had it been green light and I slipped out into the road.

She was preparing herself to go to airport to send off my sister. I told her that I will not go because my right foot is swollen (it is now slightly – there is no need for me to force myself to show my face for a business cum leisure trip that my sister is going).

But today’s episode made me think about two points in life: one, never ever play favouritism. Be it at work, at home or any social situations. It hurt others. Since my primary (or elementary school for those in America) school days, I have experienced how the school bully tried to ostracized me when I decided I was not going to be part of her gang. And I survived lunching on my own – I developed a sense of pride and backbone because I dare to stand up for myself on something that is wrong. My current boss plays favouritism by giving plum projects to others (and of course I am mentally prepared this might happen also in my new job), but of course the situation that hurts the most will be your family members. I googled “parental favouritism” and found that it is a common issue with loads of information written on it by professionals.

I was sad for a moment – about 10 minutes? But decided it was not worth it. My self-awareness is telling me I am becoming like my mother if I choose to continue to wallow in self-pity, and fail to see that there are others out there who are responding with the correct behaviors to similar situations. I decided to focus on the positive things. Instead of telling myself that I am pitiful and cannot get my mother’s attention, I focused on the fact that I will be moving out latest by 2019 first quarter. I count the positive things in my life — I am financially independent. I have my own social network – not big but they are good and willing to listen to me when I am down. I am not going to destroy these relationships with my negative emotions which might spiral out of control again.

Another interesting thought that came across my mind was the fact that I made the decision not to include my family in my solemnization should I ever get married in this lifetime. So, I went to google again on the topic of foreigners marrying overseas. Although there will be more paperwork and fees, since I never wanted a wedding dinner especially at this age, the ability to solemnize your wedding without your parents as witnesses is fantastic.

It is true that what you reap is what you sow. If parents do not give them emotional support during their growing years, the children will grow up cold towards parents. My parents provide the basic necessities – true, I need these to grow up to become an adult. But emotionally I am impaired. I know I have negative thoughts and seeing myself a shadow of my depressive mother, I do not wish to pass my genes down to the next generation. Likewise, what I am doing now is the basic obligatory duties – I bring them to see doctor, do the administrative stuff when it comes to health insurance and give them monthly allowance. However, I will not spend time with them. I will not go holidays with them, nor go out with them. Emotionally, I have decided to cut myself away from them. So, what you reap is what you sow.
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Should I have happiness entering my life, I decided I will share with others rather than my family. I think it is more worth it. And after switching my thoughts around to a more positive mindframe, it does help. I count my blessings: I am grateful I can earn my own keep (I think I should be able to nail the job I want), I am getting my own house (a shelter and a sanctuary for me to really rest after work), I found my spiritual guidance (Buddhism plays a very important role in my life when it comes to decision and correcting my own negativity, especially depression) and I am able to plan my own lifestyle very soon. Currently I am occupied with CFA preparation and hopefully I can pass both Level II and III in one go, which will leave approximately 6 more months which I will devote to my renovation work before I leave this house. I should be happy and at this point, I do not want to be pulled down into this dark spiraling negative feeling anymore.

I am sorry for missing in action from this blog for so long. However, recently I have received a few comments from readers who left comments and messages to me, telling me that they could feel exactly how I felt when I was writing those posts.

I want to dedicate this post to you for writing back to me. THANK YOU. Your post meant the world to me and I am glad that I am not the only one who felt this way, and similarly, hope you too. Although we never meet each other in real life, but I hope that through this website, we can support each other through life’s journey ups and downs. Post-suicide, I realised the power of sharing your life experiences, pains, sadness is really and truly great. It draws the power of others who understand you from the internet and give you strength, in a strange way.

Besides thanking readers who wrote to me, I wanted to explain a little about my life and what I was tied up with. The past one year and 2 months had been busy and full of anger, sadness and happiness as well. Job-wise, in my earlier post, I have already indicated my unhappiness. However, I do believe when one door closes, another door will open. I am reaching the end of my current job and hopefully can move on to a new one with better environment, boss, colleagues and a job that challenges me in a good way to showcase my abilities. Hence, to me, work now takes a backburner.

Studies wise, I am still ploughing through my CFA studies. It has been tough but I am trying to squeeze in more time to study even on weekdays. So, although life is not much fun now, I do ensure I still exercise thrice a week, if not at least twice, to keep my body and mind healthy (it is really true that exercise does keep depression in check).

Family wise, I regret to say that my father was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. Despite the fact that I do not receive much warmth and support from my family when I was sick, I still decided to help out because you just got to help out when the times come. Thankfully because I am reaching towards the last leg of my work (serving notice period), I am able to squeeze more time at home to handle administrative work such as ensuring finances are all properly done for health insurance claims, making sure all appointments are arranged properly, and keeping an eye on my father while home. I also help to clean his post-surgery wounds (because my mum just cannot bear it especially during the initial days when it was pretty raw).

I am actually going through this whole process without much sadness. It is more of taking this as a project that I am planning out the next steps to take kind of feeling. The only time I broke down was during the initial days when my father was discharged and I was really overwhelmed with the fact that I had to squeeze in time to clean wounds in the morning when it could be spent on studying (yes, I studied one hour before I get ready for work in the morning). The only thing I was very thankful to myself was the fact that I was very disciplined and started early. Since last year, I kept forcing myself to study and do as much exercises as early as possible. Now, I would say I still try to keep the weekends free as much as possible for study.

The good thing is my father’s wounds have recovered pretty nicely. So I believe by the end of April, the wound dressing routine will be gone by then. The next phase will be chemotherapy but by then I will have left my job and have more time at home to juggle my studies and my father (for medical appointments etc).
The one last thing that I hope to achieve is to secure a good job by early May. It is really kinda unexpected, but I never thought March/April will become so hectic for me. But I am glad everything is working out okay for me. Sometimes, I really think you just got to focus on thinking a few steps at the moment and leave the rest to later to sort out as things go.

After this month, I do want to return to my once a month temple ritual for much needed praying to calm my soul.  And to regain some sanity after this whirlwind is over.
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And I promise to update my website more often with good stories and experiences to share. Thank you to those who take the time to read my website and I hope to continue to hear from you. 

Besides nailing a job, trying to get my own housing and to repair a friendship that I think is worth salvaging, I am now deciding to clear my life compartment “Friends”  at this point of time.

Friendship is a weird thing and I have spent some time trying to figure out the dynamics. Today, I decided that it is very high time I should face the reality. I do not have close friends. Throughout my school years, I did not forge strong friendships. They all died down after some time. But my fear of admitting that I have no close friends makes me a loser and wants to hang on to someone. When someone disappoints me, I took it very hard.

This is a very silly side of me. I have come to accept the fact that everyone’s priority list is different, and I am just not one of the top priorities for some people.  Their families, children and in-laws are top of their priorities, and I am not one of those. That is okay.

Googling gives me the much needed awareness that I am not the only one with this problem.  There are many people who are in the same spot as me. However much I wish to hang on to “friends”, if when I am in trouble and none can help it is useless for me to hang on to them as well.  My love language is acts of service. So if no one can provide that act of service, I should leave them behind and move on, even if I am alone. I think that lesson is important.

Ever since I returned to my home country and lead my new life, I realised by putting myself as first, it was a good litmus test to test the people around me. Although it is sad to accept this fact, but I think it is better to accept now and move on rather than drag it on.  An ex-colleague turned out to be quite toxic for me and I really need to leave her behind as well.

I was studying with a new ex-classmate today (we met each other from a master programme that I have pulled out) and something hit me. Sometimes one needs to go with the flow in life. Now at this time, she is the right person to go through this period of time with me. I am studying for CFA, she is studying for Masters of Applied Finance. We can talk and she is a refreshing person to me at this point. Why keep on harping on the past friends that have already become acquaintances?

It is not that I am obsessed with my new found religion but the revelation of impermanence of things and life in Buddhism really applies in this small episode. If I just go with the flow in my life, this person is currently the best person to be with me till end next year, when she finishes her studies. We share the same goal right now despite on different courses.

I should also face up the fact that new people invigorate me, but not existing friends (maybe that is why I am so sucky at keeping them? Haha, I am not sure of that myself). If that is the case, I think it is all the more important that I continue to expose myself to new places and groups.  

I do have one secret wish though and I hope to find a good companion soon. This is the only piece in my life that is still incomplete. Despite the fact that men can come and go, I do hope to have someone beside me for the rest of my life till I myself depart this world.  
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Anyway, I am starting to change my perception of friendship and decided not to hold onto it too tightly. Instead, I decided I shall embrace whatever may come into my life by then.  I know I can do that and that is one gift that I am glad that I am blessed with – my ability to mingle with new people quickly.

In life, sometimes things are not what it seems on the surface. For instance, during the first three months in my new job, I was feeling very upset and edgy because I felt very ostracised. Because my predecessor was placed on sabbatical leave instead of resigning from the company completely, I felt that people might think I am a contractor doing her job while she is on holidays. 
I was also upset when people saw me walking in the corridor and turned away or flip newspapers. They also like to go together in lunch groups, so when I had no lunch khakis (referring to lunch mates, a local slang used in my country), I felt left out. 
However, I soon saw the reality, and began not to mind. It started after I poured out my grievances to my HR colleague via sms. I told her I will change my attitude and not be bothered with what people's reaction towards me. I felt that it is their issue. If I hadn't even talked to them much and they dislike me, it is something not due to me but their own mentality. I cannot change their mentality but I can control how I feel towards these reactions. 
And interestingly, right after I was confirmed, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt I can continue my path of figuring a way to move department and that was my main motivation everyday. At the same time, like peeling onions layer by layer, I began to see some of the not-so-nice realities of the beautiful bubbles that I was first affected by:
1) People ignoring you
These people happen to be ones that love gossip. To get entangled with them means more trouble. If not handle with care, you will either end up being the topic of the gossip or they will try to ask you for help at work. In other words, be in my "in" group and in exchange, help me with my work. Crazy. Of course not worth it. Interestingly, there is one senior guy who pretend he was busy and flipped newspapers when he saw me was actually boasting that he got offers from other companies to hire him. Well, then resign. If other companies are scouting for you and offer you better packages, why not leave? The only thing I can foresee is these companies do not place much value or are often unwilling to invest in his field. So he will have a tougher time trying to convince them to raise their standards. Tougher work for higher pay - that is natural. But of course we just listen and smile. 
2) Not being in lunch groups 
This week most of the days I am lunching with my executive and others and we went cheaper places to eat. If I always go with the team and their gang for lunch, each meal can costs $15 and sometimes up to $30 a meal. They celebrate every single person's birthday. Sorry, please excuse me. I rather you not celebrate my birthday and I don't celebrate yours as well. I came to earn a living and save money. NOT to spend it on lavish lunches which are meaningless. 
3) People who are on surface very nice with everyone
Another source of gossip. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. GET AWAY FROM ME TEN YARDS OR MORE. I do not want to attract attention to myself.  Be low profile, do my job and be safe. The higher your profile is, the more jealousy you attract. This company has miserable bonus and I have no increment. FOR WHAT? If no money, sorry I am not motivated to get involved in all these non-productive stuff. The office lady told me all these people who come to you are actually waiting for an opportunity to ask you for help. There was one lady that I wanted to get into her books. But very quickly I realised each time she talked to me, it was due to work. I decided to divert her to my colleague as far as possible. THE BEST. So I siam (another local lingo, meaning avoid) her if possible. I will still ask her if she is not feeling well, but one sentence is enough. No more no less. I felt she is very self-centric and it is always about her, her, her. 
4) They spend a lot of time OUTSIDE of working hours to bond 
Another unbelievable thing about this company is they dedicate a day for employees to have fun offsite on a weekend. YES, WEEKEND. Why weekend? Please, I rather spend my weekends doing my own thing. I like to compartmentalise my personal and work life. At work, I strive to complete all my projects satisfactorily as far as possible. But I do not want to talk about my personal life. FOR WHAT? They will spend dinners or friday evenings having karaoke. Erm, sorry. Time and money better invested elsewhere. 
Hence, after three months, I learnt that once again, the golden rule of not believing in everything you see as what it is holds true. Often, make sure you peel layer by layer of a situation and you may be surprised at what lies beneath it. 

​In my country, or perhaps the entire Asian society, people frown upon you when you decided to quit a programme. They think you are a quitter. But so many famous entreprenuers are quitters too. I think it is a wrong concept. Rather, I believe these entrepreneurs think their time is better spent elsewhere.
Likewise, when I first took the Master of Applied Finance, the first module was Principles of Corporate Finance. The admission person was telling me how important it was, but it turned out how lousy the lecturer was. Not only were the materials already covered in my self-study certification programme, the intensive lectures were not useful. Without going through the materials, I have no idea where I do not know and utilise the time when the lecturer was around to ask questions. The lecturer was also busy talking crap rather than teaching the main topics. Although it was only particular lecturer, but I discovered that within such a tight timetable during term time, you are basically just skimming through the notes as much as possible.
If the cost difference is not $25k I would not mind, but with that huge difference between my self-study (plus workshop programme that I am going to sign up), I deserve better. Or rather, I can invest my money elsewhere better.
A friend pointed out to me – any Master programme is just basically self-study and discussion among your classmates. The lecturer basically takes a hands-off role. With one module I got a taste of how master programme is run and I swear off any master programme unless it is fully funded by the employer.
Now I enjoy my own time and target. I can fully utilise my weekends to study and adjusting my own pace (rushing if I feel I am lacking behind). I would rather mark up the questions and wait till the course starts next January before I ask the lecturer and my new classmates.
 

Initially I was wondering if I should place a picture of colon for this post. But it really looks gross. So I decided not to and use a more metaphorical picture to represent this post.
I went for a colonoscopy and gastroscopy last Friday. The main objective was I wanted to do this check-up which has been overdue for a year already. But without a job that I think I can stay long enough to get it done and have the claims processed, I put this off. Naturally in this new job, I have planned to get this done once I passed my probation (technically I am 4 months old when I have this done).
It was fortunate that I had the scope because they found two polyps in my colon. Small in size but best to get rid of these nasty bumps since they are pre-cancerous.  Although there are little evidence to back up this rationale, but my gut feelings was my depression last year may have cause some mutation in my genes.
Slowly I am planning how to utilise my benefits in this company before they take it away. I am now planning for two more vaccinations which I believe will comfortably use up my wellbeing benefits. When the economy is bad, I would say it is best to utilise all the benefits you enjoy now. One never knows when the axe is going to drop or a nasty direction that the company is heading towards. 

I am not sure if I am being paranoid, or just the usual things that my mum says that really rubs me the wrong way. But I could feel my depression is coming back. I do not know if you have sometimes really murderous thoughts when actually it is a very small issue (my rational character tells me, thank god).
For instance, if someone bumped into me in the train, or a kid stepped on my toes (I do not know why kids like to step on other people’s toes), or even people just trying to push their luck by trying to get into my space in the train (yes, there are people who think I am good and easy to bully because I look like I am harmless and doesn’t bite, but in my mind you are already tied up and whipped to death).
Needless to say, I do recognise these facts and am trying to curb myself, this time with more self-awareness. I still feel the lack of space to think back home and am trying to declutter my life by just focusing on work, exercise (I am obscenely obese and have decided I REALLY need to lose weight this year) and study. If my mum says stupid things again, I can safely scoot off to a study room nearby to study (I am doing that now since I have embarked on my finance course – but I have quit my Master of Applied Finance and resumed back my self-study certification programme).
For now, I am more than ever certain that a one-day meditation is necessary, and I need to go for a retreat once a year to relieve my pressure of being a 35-year-old female singleton in an Asian society where they do look down on you like you are some kind of parasite. Perhaps the stress of trying to get my own house and coping with a boring silly day job are also getting to me. I have ballot thrice already and with each house balloting I am praying hard that this time round I am finally going to be lucky this time round to get my own flat, even if it is a small 1-bedder apartment. I crave for my own roof over my head because it means I will no longer need to depend on anyone else.
My day job is boring, tedious and serves as a good motivation for me to continue my self-study (which was the main reason why I decided to study now, so that both help to motivate me – at work for bills and house, and study – for that one small chance to finally escape marketing and communications field for good).
Phew! That is a long list of things that I have been rambling about. Maybe that is the reason why my depression is coming back. I need to simplify my thoughts again. 
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