The first quarter of 2018 has passed. It was a period of constant change, anxiety, a sense of eventuality and boredom for me.  

Why?

My father was in and out of hospital for three times within the past quarter. In April, he was re-admitted for the fourth time. February was the worst. When he was discharged after a 2 month-long hospitalization, he was feverish for three days and nights. My mother and I experienced anxiety for the first two nights. On the third evening, my elder sister came over and decided we need to send him via ambulance back to hospital.  Subsequently, he stayed twice more due to fever and high output volume from his fistula opening.

It was a nerve racking experience each time he was home. In addition, it was tiring. Making sure he ate his medications, cleaning his wounds which could come up to four times a day, monitoring the colour of his discharge, and quarreling with him when he refused to eat the home cooked food. To be fair to him, his stomach became smaller after the surgery and he could not absorb the food he ate. He also vomited frequently if he overate (by his standards).  I was angry and spent a lot of time complaining and wrestling with the hospital team over their lack of attention and care.  Eventually for the most recent hospitalization, I decided to re-admit my father to his very first hospital. It was nearer to our home as well, which made it easier for us to visit him.

Last week, I was asked to go to the hospital to meet the doctor, three days after he was admitted. The doctor sat me down to explain his planned strategy to help heal my father’s fistula opening.  I agreed to the plan. Then, he looked at me and said he wanted to talk to me about my father’s CT scan. It was diagnosed that my father’s cancer has spread to his lungs (he was first diagnosed with colon cancer).
This meant that my father’s cancer is at advanced stage and the current prognosis is 1.5 years. In a strange way, I felt a sense of eventuality, a final sense of certainty. At least I know the time left for us to do planning ahead. I decided to withhold this information from my father at the moment while he struggled to heal his fistula.  I believe towards the end I will definitely feel sad again, perhaps when I break the news to him. It will be hard for him to accept. But I want him to enjoy every single day now in blissful ignorance.

The boredom arose when I took on a temporary job while deciding to give myself a final deadline when it comes to switching fields. Just when I was struggling to keep myself awake at work because there was nothing to do at all in that job, my current role came. I stayed on in the temp role till the contract officially ended because I needed the money.

A strange contrast of feelings

Why do I call it a strange contrast of feelings? Well, my father brings me sadness to a certain degree (although I am holding up pretty well since I was mentally prepared a long time ago), and I am facing a brand new start in my second career, which should be a happy occasion.

My current new role marks the start of my journey to a new career – hopefully a less intense job than my previous line in corporate communications/public relations. Naturally I experienced slight anxiety again in this new field but I told myself I will just give my best shot, yet pace myself right this time.
I will not bring my laptop back home unless I have US night calls. Other than that, no work for me during evenings and definitely not weekends. My weekends are for my father and pursuing my own personal pursuits.  Mentally I am also prepared to face bad colleagues, colleagues who push work to me and colleagues who are condescending.

But deep down I know one thing, I won’t give up on writing. Every single cell in me refused to write for any corporations now – those meaningless silly emails, speeches, letters etc. I hate others trampling on my work. I hated it. And I want to protect my love of writing fiercely. No one shall change nor distort my work ever again. I will devote my true love for writing in areas that truly meant something to me. The greatest reason for a career switch is to have a less intense career.

Moving to a new career doesn’t mean I will give up communications. Nope, I will not. I will continue to write, but only for myself.  My book (I will get to it, definitely), my blog and if possible I will try to start contribute to some media to start gaining traction.

All I can say is, life really throws curveballs at you when you least expected it.

I know I post very infrequently on my blog, and I should be more diligent, which means I am going to make that a reality this year.

Readers know my blog is about sharing authentic true experiences and thoughts, be it good or bad, evil or kind thoughts. It is all about growing up. However, I could only write an article if I feel that it is a common issue that I think not only me, but others could also come across. I need to write articles that echoed with others.
However, after my first book attempt, I decided to re-start again as I decide to make writing all about passion only (I shall only write to express myself). Instead of writing in word and chucking it in one folder on my laptop, I am going to start posting the first few chapters onto my blog under the My Books section. After receiving a basic workshop on photoshop, I am also going to try my hands on drawing and using my own pictures for my book as well.

I am hoping readers can give me some feedback so that I can shape my book along the way and at the same time, I want to use this site to attract publishers as well.

I am also going to post a recent (well, 6 months is not too long for me) China/South Korea trip on My Experiences section.
​
I promise I will write more and more often to populate more stories under different categories. Please share with me your feedback! Your feedback gives me energy and motivation!! 

With 3 more years to the big 4-0, fellow classmates around my age are already busy with their children. For those who are married and have kids later (around 35), they are busy juggling work and family. However, I firmly believe that you can afford to spend one day out of 365 – no, make that 1 afternoon –  to meet up with your friends to catch-up.

I have a university friend whom I was closest to her during university days. After we graduated, we still met up but on an ad-hoc basis. She was attached in her first job and soon followed her boyfriend, now husband, to Boston for further studies. Thereafter, she moved to London with him for 4 years. I never visited her in London because honestly speaking, it is an expensive destination and not an appealing country to me.

She invited me to her wedding prior to her trip to London, and it was 4 years later when she returned to Singapore heavily pregnant that I caught up with her again. The meet-ups were infrequent and the very last was when I visited her after work. At that time, my workplace is near her house and she was waiting for her first job back in Singapore to start.  I saw her first child. Then, when she started work, I also visited her during lunchtime when I was not working/in between jobs.

However, after not meeting for another year and my workplace is not near town area, I decided to ask her for a date this June. Considering now is January, there is plenty of time for her to make plans for childcare on a Saturday. She rejected flatly stating she needs to take over caring for her kids and give her in-laws a break. Well, what is her husband for? And couldn’t he take over for a Saturday afternoon?

After 3 years of me compromising to her schedule/venue, I decided that was it. And it dawned upon me that perhaps the friendship had already changed after she went to London with her husband. Hence I gave her a text replying perhaps we shall meet up 5 years or later when her kids are older  since I have my father to take care, and gave a nonchalant take care to end off the conversation.

She replied “So no lunchtimes?”

I didn’t open that message and promptly blocked her on WhatsApp. I knew she likes to check others’ facebook status and so I also blocked her from my facebook.
Although it was sad, but I felt that perhaps this friendship had already “expired” several years back. I always made it a point that I will not make myself that available to anyone if they do not know how to reciprocate. Since she never really asked about my life and is pretty self-centred after I reflected the past few years’ conversation, I decided ending my friendship with her once and for all really doesn’t make an impact on my current life.

It is true. After blocking, I realised I did not miss much at all. There was NO IMPACT at all. Although I still have flashing angry thoughts about her, but I always try to tell myself to move on. She may be happy with her current lifestyle, but I knew, like all women, when their children are grown up and have their own friends during their teen-hood, they will regret for not keeping any female friends around. I am not going to be one of those spare tyres then. I deserved more and much more genuine friends.

Another university friend whom we recently patched back – me taking the initiative – told me: “You change your friends as you get older.”
​
That is so true. But I disagree with her when she said your social circle gets smaller.  I can be extroverted if I want to, and I want to strike a balance of keeping my secondary school (equivalent to high school for those in USA) friends and continuously making new friends through workplace and other business/social meet-ups. 

Have you ever complain to vent your frustration, only to invite scant remarks from others? Remarks such as “don’t complain so much”, “you are too negative. It is only in your first two weeks in your new company” and “you need to snap out of it”.  Life threw me another lesson to learn recently:  No one will understand until it happened to you.

Before I get into the details, I need to explain the background albeit it is a little tad bit long. Bear with me.

Now in my late thirties, I am experiencing this strong urge for the second time to make a mid-career switch. 10 years back, when I was 28 years old, I tried to make a career switch out of my marketing career. I stumbled upon a course called Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA). On paper, the course looks terrific for someone who wants a career switch. Low cost, self-study is possible and no disruption to my existing career. Pull factors were higher pay, sounds more intellectual/professional (compared to marketing) and the chances of mobility might be higher (been on my wish list for a long time). Sounds naïve and shallow reasons to the current older me now.

The first career switch was not successful. The closest I got was an asset management firm that reeked of nothing but Oscar-level politics among less than 20 old and useless colleagues in the country office. Very quickly, I soon learnt this office lost the political tussle with its Hong Kong counterpart, handing over its regional headquarter status to the latter. The old people spent their time gossiping and thinking of ways to milk the company (granted I got a free all-expenses paid trip to Macau/Hong Kong in the name of department retreat).

However, I got in due to my marketing skills and my level of experience (not too senior and thus not that expensive), NOT my pursuit of the Chartered Financial Analyst course. Despite passing Level 1 on my first try, Level 2 was a failure despite three attempts.

However, deep down I was in denial with myself. My mathematical foundation was not strong enough, and frankly I really dislike portfolio management. A question came to my mind while working at the asset management firm: if analysts and portfolio managers are so good with numbers, why do they still fail to foresee the financial crisis? That was during the 2008 Lehman Brothers financial crisis.

I continued my path in marketing and communications on paper so no employers knew I was pursuing the route to finance. Recently, I told my ex-colleague who is in her late forties about my strong wish to get out of my current career. I admit, I was complaining too fast and too much in my current contractual role, partly because it has been embroiled in a big unitholders’ revolt scandal. However, it only invited scant remarks from this ex-colleague that I was too whiny. The ironic thing was she recently only start to experience how I felt in my previous employment, and admitted she finally understood how I felt.

It was painful, because I treated her as my mentor despite working with her for a very short stint. I was devastated, demoralized, depressed. I was fearful when I felt depressed again, because I have this sense of awareness that kicks in automatically when I start to get that feeling. I am terrified to spiral down into depression again. After a weekend of intense anger, I realised two things: first, no one understand until it happened to you; second, I am determined to prove to her that changing field is possible and doable, save my own sanity by leaving this career, yet continuing my marketing and communications on the side line through my blog and other writing pursuits that I enjoy.

Through this episode, I began to see her as a normal ex-colleague. I also began to see her flaws. She procrastinates on her own life. She sees and value consistency when it is no longer valued among employers nowadays.  Whenever I told her there are alternative ways or new information, she wants more information without taking the initiative to find out more on her own.

If someone wants it badly, they will do whatever it takes to change it. For me, if something is wrong, and I am aware of it, I want to fix it. I knew it was a mistake for me to be in marketing/communications. I took the initiative to email to potential employers seeking for face-to-face/telephone advice on the possibility of several career options: psychologists, allied health workers, pharmacists (yes, I was prepared to go back to school to get a more professional degree).  I applauded myself for having the determination to seek information in a very active manner. I always believe people who take real actions to change and chart their own course in life are the true warriors/champions in life.

I concluded she is not serious about making the change to her life. She recognised how tough public relation is, and how the jobscope keeps on expanding and everyone thinks they can be a PR expert, but she still persists because this is all she ever knows in her career. In fact, I see a little masochism in her. She actually takes pride in the fact that she can take the downside of her role. I knew I wasted my breath talking to her because she is not able to take that step to change.

Procrastination is common. I know many people, including me, procrastinate over some stuff. Family, work, relationships, personal, emotions….who doesn’t? I will be lying if I say I never procrastinate. I pinpointed down the fact that I got really mad at her when she procrastinated and faced the same issue, but judged me by telling me off just like that.

Right now, I have moved on from this episode. I learnt from my first failed career switch. My second career is now based on more realistic considerations: my personality at work, my strengths, the stress level of the new career, the money that I am able to earn for the next 20 years or so, the level of barrier to entry in that field, and the amount of efforts that I need to put in (do I have to study full time etc) to develop my skillsets in that new field.  
​
I also gained the determination to prove to her (of course, to myself as well which is the most important) that I can, and will make the necessary change to my life. I can, and will create a much more successful and fulfilling professional life in my new career path.  At the same time, I also want to proudly own a successful business model which I can continue to pursue in my golden years, leveraging on my marketing and communications experience in pursuits where I truly enjoy (unlike now). 

People surrounding me, be it family members that I see everyday, or strangers that I meet while people-watching on buses and trains, often serve as a lesson for me to learn frequently. Some people may call it “Moral of the story”, “Life lesson today”. The protagonist for today’s life lesson is my father.

My father was diagnosed with colon cancer in March 2017. After complaining pain on his side for close to a year but refusing to do anything concrete, he went to A&E one night after shivering from a night of high fever.  He was admitted to hospital immediately and after being on the highest level of antibiotics the doctor summoned us on a Sunday to get our consent for a colon surgery. The doctor had to remove a portion of the affected colon. We agreed.

After 21 days in the hospital, my father recovered with fairly health indicators and weak heart (natural for post-operation patients).  A long-time heavy smoker for close to 40 years, I thought this would suffice as a trigger for my father to stop smoking. Barely 2 weeks have passed and I saw him puffing away despite being on chemotherapy drugs for 6 months.

5 months have passed and the recent report showed he has new growth in the colon. I knew this was coming. Although the doctors will only confirm if it is cancer and/or infection after a scope+biopsy, deep in my heart, I believe this is a cancer relapse. Throughout these 5 months, my father was always in self-denial.  He always thinks cancer will be cured once and for all, or it will never happen to him. His family history has a strong record of cancer. My grandfather and uncle (his younger brother) have passed away due to cancer. He was fortunate to be detected with cancer at stage 2. However, he chose to allude himself, thinking it would not happen to him the way his father and brother had. To me, I felt that he was very silly to give up that precious chance of survival (stage 2 colon cancer patients have very high recovery rate).

As a caretaker, I find little focus on us and the anger and frustration that we experienced while dealing with self-denial patients. I came across this UK article. Although the context is between a patient with no family and healthcare workers, I totally understand and relate to the degree of anger and frustration that these workers are feeling every single day.

If there are any readers who are undergoing the same anger and frustration as me, I would really appreciate if you could drop me a comment below. Private messages are strongly welcomed as well. I just need to find some solace from people who understand what I am going through now, and I am sure I am not the only one feeling this way.
 

I started subscribing to news feed and other inspirational/motivational feeds and unfollow most of my friends’ daily posting on their children and gatherings ( I am experiencing social media fatigue).  There is a particular Taiwanese feed that is my current favourite as some of the quotes they post really speak to me at the right time.

This post came to my feed when I had an earlier conversation with my friend about singlehood and marriage on that very evening. We shared the same outlook that unless you meet the right one (not in terms of looks and wealth, but more on personality and character) the marriage might be a burden and a source of depression, stress and sadness in your life. There are many unhappy marriages around us, be it friends or colleagues, and we wondered if marriage is really the path to happiness (of course, we are glad that there are happy blissful marriages as well :) ). 

For my readers who are non-chinese, this passage basically says:  the writer said many people asked her if the reason behind her singlehood for a long time was due to high expectations. She replied no.  She met guys who expressed their interest in her but she does not think they are genuinely interested in her. They just pay lip service to her. For example, they expressed their concern on her but when she faced difficulties, no one step out to really lend her a hand at that moment. When she fell sick, they only told her to drink more water and rest more. When it was pouring cats and dogs at night, they just told her to be careful on the way back. So she reasoned that she is simply very clear that the guys in her life do not place a lot of emphasis on her; or they may like her, but it does not hinder them liking others as well.  The only regret she has in this life is she has never experienced a relationship with the other party having absolute devotion on her. It is simply a feeling that he happens to need someone, and she happens to be there.

When I came across this passage, I felt this passage summarises the reason behind my singlehood. When I was 17-18, I had classmates who liked me. But they never wooed me. Never.  When we met each other after graduation, they just avoided me.  10 over guys ( i think they had a gathering among themselves). One did pick up courage to ask me out but I declined because I really don’t see we can communicate deeply during our contact in school.  10 years later, we had a class reunion gathering. He brought a girlfriend who is as introverted as him. Another guy who liked me was soon also married with 2 children now (he did not woo me at all when we graduated. I might consider him actually). So, to me, I gathered that they may like me but it is not deep at all. They can easily find another girl to replace and be their wives.

Coming to 37 in 3 months’ time, I already knew I have past my prime and it is not possible to get married in this life. But I am now coming to terms with my singlehood in a peaceful manner and have made a resolution that my planning for the future will be based on my current status. I will save money for my retirement since I have gotten a house of my own (yes I am still rejoicing and grateful over that every single day), start researching slowly on overseas retirement schemes so that I can live a comfortable life in my golden years at a lower cost and checking out areas that provide medical facilities when I need assistance during my silver years. I also decided to re-start making more friends as social circle is important for mental and emotional health.
​
I have also decided not to waste time messing up my mind nor feelings (the awful up and down emotion, the sense of disappointment, lost and envy when you see other couples together) on searching for Mr Right. Instead, I try to prolong my health (simply because I only have myself to rely on when I am old) so that I am still in decent health when I retire and able to travel to other countries at a leisure pace. I also plan to spend more and more time on my religion so that I can cultivate a sense of purpose, direction and peace in my life. 

My current rationale is this: if I have only 60 years in this lifetime, that means I have 23 more years to go. I hope to live as happy and peaceful every single day as I can in these 23 remaining years. Don't you agree? 

If you had read my past post, you would realise that my current wonderful days of doing nothing have a blemish: my mother.  If she is not around, I would enjoy my days now more freely. Perhaps that is why now whenever I have some goodies, I keep to myself rather than sharing with her. I don’t think it is worth it.

Every time she starts ranting early in the morning (and trust me, on a daily basis), it is really tiring. I went to google and saw an article that echo my exact current problem.  I can only say they are DARN right. My mother falls under the category due to abusive childhood and the best solution is to engage a 3rd party to take care of her. Since my sister has volunteered to take care of her next time, frankly I have no worries. I just need to get out of this house in 1 to 2 years’ time and start to recuperate my mental and emotional health. The next 20 years will be a quiet one. :)

Hope to share these 2 links with any readers who are also facing the same issue. You are not alone, at least that was how I felt  when I saw so many readers posting in their stories on the same exact issue. 

After wrapping up my last horrible job, I took the next 3 weeks to focus on studying and preparing for my financial exams. It was a horrible period – everyday you force yourself to do one paper after another, carrying a big and heavy laptop with you wherever you go. On the day of my exam, I realised I suffered from lower back pain. Bearing with the pain, I finished the 6 hour paper (yes, it was a 3-hr morning paper, followed by a 3-hr afternoon paper in one day).

Not to say that very night when I went home, all my toxic and useless paternal –side relatives came to my house to discuss a meaningless topic on the eventual caregiving of my grandmother (it is another toxic story which I don’t even want to waste my brain cells writing about it). I only stood up to give my comments was when they wanted my mother to take care. Not that I really care about my mother’s health but as long as I am still staying in this house,  I got to face a depressive chronic complainer aka my mother and a father who already has stoma bag and still refused to give up smoking (yes, imagine that he can still puff away with a stoma bag to remind him he is a cancer patient). I cannot imagine having to bear with another old grandmother that I have no feelings for.

YES, absolutely NO feelings except for the yearly obligatory less-than-one-hour visit. The only feeling that I had was the extreme relief that this shit discussion happened AFTER my exam. And the next day, I had the day to pack my luggage before flying to China and Korea for a 2-week holidays. Nursing a backache throughout the trip, I travelled to Shanghai, Hangzhou, Beijing, Xi’an followed by my last stop Seoul in South Korea.  Readers might find this a punishing travel itinerary, but it is rare and hard for me to take such long leave (I accumulated all my leave for cash encashment from my last horrible job, except a 2-weeks leave in December 2016 to catch up on my studies and a much-needed 4-day retreat in Chiangmai).  I also wanted to take advantage of the multi-trip ticket air fare to visit these 2 countries, yet coming back in time to start my job hunt again.

Upon returning home after holidays, I am currently enjoying the best days so far. I literally wake up everyday at my own pace, do whatever I want and rest. I don’t even force myself at all, except for daily job hunting, resume-sending and going for interviews (plus preparation work). The past 1 year juggling my work, my studies, my father’s multiple medical appointments etc really made me cherish my free time now. I don’t even want to take on full time temporary role, knowing once I return to the workforce the daily grunt is going to come back.  The feeling of NOT DOING anything is really good and extremely, tremendously good for my mental well-being.

I came across an article in the daily newspapers about a columnist who also penned an article on the benefits of doing nothing. That article came in timely. It echoed exactly what I felt, although she is much richer to be able to travel to Europe to do NOTHING. I cannot afford that kind of luxury.

For someone who had been through the lowest trough in their life recently, this is a much-needed period for me. The only downside is I am still staying with my mother. My own house is going to be ready in 1.5 years’ time or longer, so I have to wait. In my country, we can apply for public housing but we got to wait as the government-subsidised public housing are built-to-order, i.e you apply and pay a deposit with your savings with the government (similar to 401k savings or other pensions in other countries). I waited till my pension is able to meet the full amount required for my flat before informing my last day of service in my previous horrible job, so now I do not have the pressure of getting any job quickly for my flat.  But you can opt for resale housing, which means you go to the open market to buy any flat of any size at a higher price with a shorter lease. Initially I was wondering why my mother was so enthusiastic and I figured she really wanted me to leave the house. Only after applying for my subsidised flat, I realised she wanted me to keep a room for her to sleep.

What a joke! Usually people rent out their spare room for rental to help pay for their house. If my mother come over to stay with me, what is the difference? I got to stay with her, got to bear a mortgage loan and cannot rent out my room for rental.  At that point, I felt that my family members really don’t think for my benefits. Thank goodness I already made my point very clearly I want to stay on my own. Since my mother has her own big house, it is not as if she has nowhere to go.  She got to deal with her husband herself, that is a problem she shouldn’t expect her children to help save her. She now requests me to buy a double bed so that occasionally she can go over to sleep. But I won’t give her my house keys. Frankly, because I stay so far away from her, I believe she cannot come over that frequently to visit me too.
​
This is the only downside of me staying at home – having to face her more which irritates me, but everyday I tell myself once I have my own house I will have peace at home. I cannot wait for that day to come. 

Today, I nearly met an accident. While preparing to cross the road, I suddenly slipped and fell. My right leg was bent inwards and I grazed my foot. I was very thankful for many factors that I was able to sit down in front of my laptop, typing out this story:

1. I practise yoga and so my hip and leg, especially my knees, are somewhat reasonably flexible.
2. I did not sprain my right ankle! Hurrayyyy!!! I do not want two sprained ankles!!! Thank Buddha and all gods for that. I am very grateful.
3. The traffic light was red and cars stopped.
4. When I fell, I was right at the edge of the pedestrian pavement.

​It happened so fast that I was caught off guard (well, I guess it is called an accident for a very good reason) and the strange thing was I was not playing with my phone while it happened, and I wore good trekking sandals even though it was raining and the floors were wet. Previously, I sprained my left ankle and I was wearing flats and missed a step on a -5-step staircase. It was really a freak accident.

On my way home, I was pondering if I should tell my toxic mother. I was mentally prepared that she would be nonchalant about it. I was spot on. As usual, my self-centered mother would share about her own experiences about bicycles. Well, the bicycle will hit your body if you are on a bicycle but I was down on my knees, which means the car will knock and smash my head completely had it been green light and I slipped out into the road.

She was preparing herself to go to airport to send off my sister. I told her that I will not go because my right foot is swollen (it is now slightly – there is no need for me to force myself to show my face for a business cum leisure trip that my sister is going).

But today’s episode made me think about two points in life: one, never ever play favouritism. Be it at work, at home or any social situations. It hurt others. Since my primary (or elementary school for those in America) school days, I have experienced how the school bully tried to ostracized me when I decided I was not going to be part of her gang. And I survived lunching on my own – I developed a sense of pride and backbone because I dare to stand up for myself on something that is wrong. My current boss plays favouritism by giving plum projects to others (and of course I am mentally prepared this might happen also in my new job), but of course the situation that hurts the most will be your family members. I googled “parental favouritism” and found that it is a common issue with loads of information written on it by professionals.

I was sad for a moment – about 10 minutes? But decided it was not worth it. My self-awareness is telling me I am becoming like my mother if I choose to continue to wallow in self-pity, and fail to see that there are others out there who are responding with the correct behaviors to similar situations. I decided to focus on the positive things. Instead of telling myself that I am pitiful and cannot get my mother’s attention, I focused on the fact that I will be moving out latest by 2019 first quarter. I count the positive things in my life — I am financially independent. I have my own social network – not big but they are good and willing to listen to me when I am down. I am not going to destroy these relationships with my negative emotions which might spiral out of control again.

Another interesting thought that came across my mind was the fact that I made the decision not to include my family in my solemnization should I ever get married in this lifetime. So, I went to google again on the topic of foreigners marrying overseas. Although there will be more paperwork and fees, since I never wanted a wedding dinner especially at this age, the ability to solemnize your wedding without your parents as witnesses is fantastic.

It is true that what you reap is what you sow. If parents do not give them emotional support during their growing years, the children will grow up cold towards parents. My parents provide the basic necessities – true, I need these to grow up to become an adult. But emotionally I am impaired. I know I have negative thoughts and seeing myself a shadow of my depressive mother, I do not wish to pass my genes down to the next generation. Likewise, what I am doing now is the basic obligatory duties – I bring them to see doctor, do the administrative stuff when it comes to health insurance and give them monthly allowance. However, I will not spend time with them. I will not go holidays with them, nor go out with them. Emotionally, I have decided to cut myself away from them. So, what you reap is what you sow.
​
Should I have happiness entering my life, I decided I will share with others rather than my family. I think it is more worth it. And after switching my thoughts around to a more positive mindframe, it does help. I count my blessings: I am grateful I can earn my own keep (I think I should be able to nail the job I want), I am getting my own house (a shelter and a sanctuary for me to really rest after work), I found my spiritual guidance (Buddhism plays a very important role in my life when it comes to decision and correcting my own negativity, especially depression) and I am able to plan my own lifestyle very soon. Currently I am occupied with CFA preparation and hopefully I can pass both Level II and III in one go, which will leave approximately 6 more months which I will devote to my renovation work before I leave this house. I should be happy and at this point, I do not want to be pulled down into this dark spiraling negative feeling anymore.

I am sorry for missing in action from this blog for so long. However, recently I have received a few comments from readers who left comments and messages to me, telling me that they could feel exactly how I felt when I was writing those posts.

I want to dedicate this post to you for writing back to me. THANK YOU. Your post meant the world to me and I am glad that I am not the only one who felt this way, and similarly, hope you too. Although we never meet each other in real life, but I hope that through this website, we can support each other through life’s journey ups and downs. Post-suicide, I realised the power of sharing your life experiences, pains, sadness is really and truly great. It draws the power of others who understand you from the internet and give you strength, in a strange way.

Besides thanking readers who wrote to me, I wanted to explain a little about my life and what I was tied up with. The past one year and 2 months had been busy and full of anger, sadness and happiness as well. Job-wise, in my earlier post, I have already indicated my unhappiness. However, I do believe when one door closes, another door will open. I am reaching the end of my current job and hopefully can move on to a new one with better environment, boss, colleagues and a job that challenges me in a good way to showcase my abilities. Hence, to me, work now takes a backburner.

Studies wise, I am still ploughing through my CFA studies. It has been tough but I am trying to squeeze in more time to study even on weekdays. So, although life is not much fun now, I do ensure I still exercise thrice a week, if not at least twice, to keep my body and mind healthy (it is really true that exercise does keep depression in check).

Family wise, I regret to say that my father was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. Despite the fact that I do not receive much warmth and support from my family when I was sick, I still decided to help out because you just got to help out when the times come. Thankfully because I am reaching towards the last leg of my work (serving notice period), I am able to squeeze more time at home to handle administrative work such as ensuring finances are all properly done for health insurance claims, making sure all appointments are arranged properly, and keeping an eye on my father while home. I also help to clean his post-surgery wounds (because my mum just cannot bear it especially during the initial days when it was pretty raw).

I am actually going through this whole process without much sadness. It is more of taking this as a project that I am planning out the next steps to take kind of feeling. The only time I broke down was during the initial days when my father was discharged and I was really overwhelmed with the fact that I had to squeeze in time to clean wounds in the morning when it could be spent on studying (yes, I studied one hour before I get ready for work in the morning). The only thing I was very thankful to myself was the fact that I was very disciplined and started early. Since last year, I kept forcing myself to study and do as much exercises as early as possible. Now, I would say I still try to keep the weekends free as much as possible for study.

The good thing is my father’s wounds have recovered pretty nicely. So I believe by the end of April, the wound dressing routine will be gone by then. The next phase will be chemotherapy but by then I will have left my job and have more time at home to juggle my studies and my father (for medical appointments etc).
The one last thing that I hope to achieve is to secure a good job by early May. It is really kinda unexpected, but I never thought March/April will become so hectic for me. But I am glad everything is working out okay for me. Sometimes, I really think you just got to focus on thinking a few steps at the moment and leave the rest to later to sort out as things go.

After this month, I do want to return to my once a month temple ritual for much needed praying to calm my soul.  And to regain some sanity after this whirlwind is over.
​
And I promise to update my website more often with good stories and experiences to share. Thank you to those who take the time to read my website and I hope to continue to hear from you.