Friendship is a weird thing and I have spent some time trying to figure out the dynamics. Today, I decided that it is very high time I should face the reality. I do not have close friends. Throughout my school years, I did not forge strong friendships. They all died down after some time. But my fear of admitting that I have no close friends makes me a loser and wants to hang on to someone. When someone disappoints me, I took it very hard.
This is a very silly side of me. I have come to accept the fact that everyone’s priority list is different, and I am just not one of the top priorities for some people. Their families, children and in-laws are top of their priorities, and I am not one of those. That is okay.
Googling gives me the much needed awareness that I am not the only one with this problem. There are many people who are in the same spot as me. However much I wish to hang on to “friends”, if when I am in trouble and none can help it is useless for me to hang on to them as well. My love language is acts of service. So if no one can provide that act of service, I should leave them behind and move on, even if I am alone. I think that lesson is important.
Ever since I returned to my home country and lead my new life, I realised by putting myself as first, it was a good litmus test to test the people around me. Although it is sad to accept this fact, but I think it is better to accept now and move on rather than drag it on. An ex-colleague turned out to be quite toxic for me and I really need to leave her behind as well.
I was studying with a new ex-classmate today (we met each other from a master programme that I have pulled out) and something hit me. Sometimes one needs to go with the flow in life. Now at this time, she is the right person to go through this period of time with me. I am studying for CFA, she is studying for Masters of Applied Finance. We can talk and she is a refreshing person to me at this point. Why keep on harping on the past friends that have already become acquaintances?
It is not that I am obsessed with my new found religion but the revelation of impermanence of things and life in Buddhism really applies in this small episode. If I just go with the flow in my life, this person is currently the best person to be with me till end next year, when she finishes her studies. We share the same goal right now despite on different courses.
I should also face up the fact that new people invigorate me, but not existing friends (maybe that is why I am so sucky at keeping them? Haha, I am not sure of that myself). If that is the case, I think it is all the more important that I continue to expose myself to new places and groups.
I do have one secret wish though and I hope to find a good companion soon. This is the only piece in my life that is still incomplete. Despite the fact that men can come and go, I do hope to have someone beside me for the rest of my life till I myself depart this world.
Anyway, I am starting to change my perception of friendship and decided not to hold onto it too tightly. Instead, I decided I shall embrace whatever may come into my life by then. I know I can do that and that is one gift that I am glad that I am blessed with – my ability to mingle with new people quickly.