I am not sure if I am being paranoid, or just the usual things that my mum says that really rubs me the wrong way. But I could feel my depression is coming back. I do not know if you have sometimes really murderous thoughts when actually it is a very small issue (my rational character tells me, thank god).
For instance, if someone bumped into me in the train, or a kid stepped on my toes (I do not know why kids like to step on other people’s toes), or even people just trying to push their luck by trying to get into my space in the train (yes, there are people who think I am good and easy to bully because I look like I am harmless and doesn’t bite, but in my mind you are already tied up and whipped to death).
Needless to say, I do recognise these facts and am trying to curb myself, this time with more self-awareness. I still feel the lack of space to think back home and am trying to declutter my life by just focusing on work, exercise (I am obscenely obese and have decided I REALLY need to lose weight this year) and study. If my mum says stupid things again, I can safely scoot off to a study room nearby to study (I am doing that now since I have embarked on my finance course – but I have quit my Master of Applied Finance and resumed back my self-study certification programme).
For now, I am more than ever certain that a one-day meditation is necessary, and I need to go for a retreat once a year to relieve my pressure of being a 35-year-old female singleton in an Asian society where they do look down on you like you are some kind of parasite. Perhaps the stress of trying to get my own house and coping with a boring silly day job are also getting to me. I have ballot thrice already and with each house balloting I am praying hard that this time round I am finally going to be lucky this time round to get my own flat, even if it is a small 1-bedder apartment. I crave for my own roof over my head because it means I will no longer need to depend on anyone else.
My day job is boring, tedious and serves as a good motivation for me to continue my self-study (which was the main reason why I decided to study now, so that both help to motivate me – at work for bills and house, and study – for that one small chance to finally escape marketing and communications field for good).
Phew! That is a long list of things that I have been rambling about. Maybe that is the reason why my depression is coming back. I need to simplify my thoughts again.
For instance, if someone bumped into me in the train, or a kid stepped on my toes (I do not know why kids like to step on other people’s toes), or even people just trying to push their luck by trying to get into my space in the train (yes, there are people who think I am good and easy to bully because I look like I am harmless and doesn’t bite, but in my mind you are already tied up and whipped to death).
Needless to say, I do recognise these facts and am trying to curb myself, this time with more self-awareness. I still feel the lack of space to think back home and am trying to declutter my life by just focusing on work, exercise (I am obscenely obese and have decided I REALLY need to lose weight this year) and study. If my mum says stupid things again, I can safely scoot off to a study room nearby to study (I am doing that now since I have embarked on my finance course – but I have quit my Master of Applied Finance and resumed back my self-study certification programme).
For now, I am more than ever certain that a one-day meditation is necessary, and I need to go for a retreat once a year to relieve my pressure of being a 35-year-old female singleton in an Asian society where they do look down on you like you are some kind of parasite. Perhaps the stress of trying to get my own house and coping with a boring silly day job are also getting to me. I have ballot thrice already and with each house balloting I am praying hard that this time round I am finally going to be lucky this time round to get my own flat, even if it is a small 1-bedder apartment. I crave for my own roof over my head because it means I will no longer need to depend on anyone else.
My day job is boring, tedious and serves as a good motivation for me to continue my self-study (which was the main reason why I decided to study now, so that both help to motivate me – at work for bills and house, and study – for that one small chance to finally escape marketing and communications field for good).
Phew! That is a long list of things that I have been rambling about. Maybe that is the reason why my depression is coming back. I need to simplify my thoughts again.
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