I can now properly going into the main topic that I want to talk about after providing the background. As I reflect back the jobs that I had ever since I graduated from college, I realised that it could most likely be due to karma that caused me to have such heartache from job to job. I never had a good boss that I could look up to.. the only closest one would be the healthcare organisation boss where I could do the job but at least my boss was nice and was holding the fort (although they hired someone else to the director role and I am sure things would have changed again). I have started going for dharma class this year (finally glad that I have made the step finally after so many years of procrastination), karma was a topic that was mentioned during the heart sutra (I am taking meditation class now) course. Since karma is a cause and effect action, I began to think and believe that it could be due to my past lives’ misdeeds (perhaps I have been a bastard or bitch to others), that I do not have anyone close this year. The entire theme that can describe my life so far is simply loneliness. I am always alone, in life, in school, at work. I have problems reaching out to people and forming deep relationships. At the same time, they always abandon me towards the end (and sometimes very quietly). Maybe in my previous lives, I have abandoned many many many people. Thankfully, the dharma class taught me to accept everything in a calm manner since everything is transient. The next thought that came to me was a little more positive: after paying your “debts” this lifetime, the next will be on a clean slate. Hence, I also have this increasing urge to do some good deeds this year while I could.
A woman who has long passed the marriageable age, or known as 剩女, but becoming comfortable and contented with my singlehood life and the freedom it brings to me.