I am not going to lie. With the abundance of freedom at hand, I do feel lonely at times.
That sense of deep down sadness, loneliness does grab you tightly. It does.
This afternoon, while doing yoga at home, I actually could feel the loneliness resurfacing again. Towards the end of the yoga session, I teared.
Because I always locked myself in my bedroom and do yoga based on an online course, I have the space to weep quietly in that moment.
It was a very hot and sunny day. As I laid down in my savasana pose, I could see white clouds gathering and dry thunder sounds in a distance. From the bottom of my heart, I instinctively put my palms together, closed my eyes and sent a very sincere prayer to Buddha. After ending the practice, I gave three bows.
For the past 37 years, I always place career above everything else in my prayers. I do feel lonely at times when I see couples together, but I never really pray sincerely for someone to appear in my life.
Today, I finally did with all my heart.
Because today, I really wish that for the next 30 years (assuming I lived till 70 years old and 4 years have passed beyond 35year mark) I will have someone beside me, holding my hands, for me to hug when I feel sad, and travel the world together.
I yearn for someone to live with me in my own small house. Whenever I open the door, I can see someone at home, or at least waiting for someone to come home if I am earlier. To cook and have meals together, to have a meaningful or engaging or relaxing conversation depending on mood of the day, to have someone to say good morning and good night on a daily basis.
I yearn to be able to hug someone when I have a bad day at home. Even as I try not to spread my negativity to him, at least I can hug him and feel better without mentioning a single word about work.
I yearn for someone to care about me, to text me if I want lunch, or to go home together (we don’t need to have a car – a bus or train ride together is fine with me).
I yearn for someone to go travel with, for me to share my travel experiences with him, as we explore places together, meet different and new people together.
Today, I do not know why, but I feel extremely lonely.