Not to say that very night when I went home, all my toxic and useless paternal –side relatives came to my house to discuss a meaningless topic on the eventual caregiving of my grandmother (it is another toxic story which I don’t even want to waste my brain cells writing about it). I only stood up to give my comments was when they wanted my mother to take care. Not that I really care about my mother’s health but as long as I am still staying in this house, I got to face a depressive chronic complainer aka my mother and a father who already has stoma bag and still refused to give up smoking (yes, imagine that he can still puff away with a stoma bag to remind him he is a cancer patient). I cannot imagine having to bear with another old grandmother that I have no feelings for.
YES, absolutely NO feelings except for the yearly obligatory less-than-one-hour visit. The only feeling that I had was the extreme relief that this shit discussion happened AFTER my exam. And the next day, I had the day to pack my luggage before flying to China and Korea for a 2-week holidays. Nursing a backache throughout the trip, I travelled to Shanghai, Hangzhou, Beijing, Xi’an followed by my last stop Seoul in South Korea. Readers might find this a punishing travel itinerary, but it is rare and hard for me to take such long leave (I accumulated all my leave for cash encashment from my last horrible job, except a 2-weeks leave in December 2016 to catch up on my studies and a much-needed 4-day retreat in Chiangmai). I also wanted to take advantage of the multi-trip ticket air fare to visit these 2 countries, yet coming back in time to start my job hunt again.
Upon returning home after holidays, I am currently enjoying the best days so far. I literally wake up everyday at my own pace, do whatever I want and rest. I don’t even force myself at all, except for daily job hunting, resume-sending and going for interviews (plus preparation work). The past 1 year juggling my work, my studies, my father’s multiple medical appointments etc really made me cherish my free time now. I don’t even want to take on full time temporary role, knowing once I return to the workforce the daily grunt is going to come back. The feeling of NOT DOING anything is really good and extremely, tremendously good for my mental well-being.
I came across an article in the daily newspapers about a columnist who also penned an article on the benefits of doing nothing. That article came in timely. It echoed exactly what I felt, although she is much richer to be able to travel to Europe to do NOTHING. I cannot afford that kind of luxury.
For someone who had been through the lowest trough in their life recently, this is a much-needed period for me. The only downside is I am still staying with my mother. My own house is going to be ready in 1.5 years’ time or longer, so I have to wait. In my country, we can apply for public housing but we got to wait as the government-subsidised public housing are built-to-order, i.e you apply and pay a deposit with your savings with the government (similar to 401k savings or other pensions in other countries). I waited till my pension is able to meet the full amount required for my flat before informing my last day of service in my previous horrible job, so now I do not have the pressure of getting any job quickly for my flat. But you can opt for resale housing, which means you go to the open market to buy any flat of any size at a higher price with a shorter lease. Initially I was wondering why my mother was so enthusiastic and I figured she really wanted me to leave the house. Only after applying for my subsidised flat, I realised she wanted me to keep a room for her to sleep.
What a joke! Usually people rent out their spare room for rental to help pay for their house. If my mother come over to stay with me, what is the difference? I got to stay with her, got to bear a mortgage loan and cannot rent out my room for rental. At that point, I felt that my family members really don’t think for my benefits. Thank goodness I already made my point very clearly I want to stay on my own. Since my mother has her own big house, it is not as if she has nowhere to go. She got to deal with her husband herself, that is a problem she shouldn’t expect her children to help save her. She now requests me to buy a double bed so that occasionally she can go over to sleep. But I won’t give her my house keys. Frankly, because I stay so far away from her, I believe she cannot come over that frequently to visit me too.
This is the only downside of me staying at home – having to face her more which irritates me, but everyday I tell myself once I have my own house I will have peace at home. I cannot wait for that day to come.