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Self-denial, ANGER & FRUSTRATION

9/16/2017

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People surrounding me, be it family members that I see everyday, or strangers that I meet while people-watching on buses and trains, often serve as a lesson for me to learn frequently. Some people may call it “Moral of the story”, “Life lesson today”. The protagonist for today’s life lesson is my father.

My father was diagnosed with colon cancer in March 2017. After complaining pain on his side for close to a year but refusing to do anything concrete, he went to A&E one night after shivering from a night of high fever.  He was admitted to hospital immediately and after being on the highest level of antibiotics the doctor summoned us on a Sunday to get our consent for a colon surgery. The doctor had to remove a portion of the affected colon. We agreed.

After 21 days in the hospital, my father recovered with fairly health indicators and weak heart (natural for post-operation patients).  A long-time heavy smoker for close to 40 years, I thought this would suffice as a trigger for my father to stop smoking. Barely 2 weeks have passed and I saw him puffing away despite being on chemotherapy drugs for 6 months.

5 months have passed and the recent report showed he has new growth in the colon. I knew this was coming. Although the doctors will only confirm if it is cancer and/or infection after a scope+biopsy, deep in my heart, I believe this is a cancer relapse. Throughout these 5 months, my father was always in self-denial.  He always thinks cancer will be cured once and for all, or it will never happen to him. His family history has a strong record of cancer. My grandfather and uncle (his younger brother) have passed away due to cancer. He was fortunate to be detected with cancer at stage 2. However, he chose to allude himself, thinking it would not happen to him the way his father and brother had. To me, I felt that he was very silly to give up that precious chance of survival (stage 2 colon cancer patients have very high recovery rate).

As a caretaker, I find little focus on us and the anger and frustration that we experienced while dealing with self-denial patients. I came across this UK article. Although the context is between a patient with no family and healthcare workers, I totally understand and relate to the degree of anger and frustration that these workers are feeling every single day.

If there are any readers who are undergoing the same anger and frustration as me, I would really appreciate if you could drop me a comment below. Private messages are strongly welcomed as well. I just need to find some solace from people who understand what I am going through now, and I am sure I am not the only one feeling this way.
 
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    A woman who has long passed the marriageable age, or known as 剩女, but becoming comfortable and contented with my singlehood life and the freedom it brings to me.  

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